


Bandhua Aatmaon

by ThatMasterOnline



Series: Kalinag ke yoddha [2]
Category: Far Cry 4
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-08
Updated: 2018-07-23
Packaged: 2019-05-19 14:29:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, No Archive Warnings Apply, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 23
Words: 23,433
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14875527
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ThatMasterOnline/pseuds/ThatMasterOnline
Summary: According to Google translate, Bandhua Aatmaon means bonded souls. Warning for minor character death.





	1. Forgiveness

“I just thought of something.” Ajay sounded pissed.

“...Yes, Ajay?”

“Who the fuck told those Golden Path soldiers I'd killed Amita?” Sabal flinched, and Kalinag smiled.

“He did,” he said with humour, and Ajay outright scowled at him.

“I...mentioned it in passing to one of my men...who went and flapped off at the mouth, apparently. Sorry.”

“Fucking asshole. I would have preferred to keep that PRIVATE.”

“Yes, I’m sorry.”

“I- I can't- How am I- I just-” Ajay groaned aloud. “YOU TELL HIM!” he snapped at Kalinag.

“He feels he can no longer grieve Amita’s death, as he cannot show remorse to the Golden Path.”

“THAT.” Sabal nodded.

“I am sorry. You are more than welcome to grieve in my presence.” 

“You’re. The one. Who told me. To kill her. How in the hell do you expect to understand what I’m feeling? What are you supposed to say? “I wish I had never ordered you to kill Amita”? That’s a stupid suggestion, and you know it.” Sabal bowed his head in acknowledgement.

“I wish I had not shamed Kyra as much as I did in the last few days of Pagan’s regime.”

“...Fine. What the hell am I supposed to do about the way I feel about Amita?” Sabal sighed.

“...You could talk to Bhadra.” Now it was Ajay’s turn to sigh.

“She probably hates me…”

“You don’t know that until you talk to her. You'll find she can be very forgiving, it’s one of many qualities that makes her the perfect Tarun Matara.” 

“...I think I’ll leave the blade here. I don’t want her to see me with it.”

“Sabal and I will be alright on our own,” Kalinag assured him with a smile, “Now go. She will be pleased to see you, I am sure.” Ajay nodded, setting the blade down on the table.

“Ajay. Keep in mind that I am bound primarily to the blade. I will not be able to accompany you to see the girl.”

“That’s okay. I'd...well, I don’t think she'd be happy to see me with you anyways, and it’s not like you’d have much to do, so…it’s okay.” Kalinag nodded.

“Then I wish you well, Ajay. Have a safe trip.”

“I second that,” Sabal added, and Ajay nodded before turning to leave.


	2. Quality Time

“So, now that we have some quality time together,” Sabal joked, “What should we do?” 

“You’ve never had time to look properly at Ajay’s blade, have you?”

“Well...No, not really.”

“Then pick it up, by all means.”

“...If you’re sure…” He picked up the blade, immediately dropping it with a gasp when it pulsed dully to acknowledge his hold. Kalinag mock-pouted and feigned an injury as it clattered to the ground, but he couldn’t stop the grin that spread across his face, nor the chuckle as Sabal’s face twisted in remorse.

“Perhaps I should just put it back on the table and leave it alone…”

“Nonsense, pick it up again. Now that you’re aware of what will happen, you won’t drop it. Besides, it may be a five hundred year old blade, but it’s still perfectly sturdy. It’s from Shangri-La after all.” Sabal picked up the blade again, sitting on the couch and laying it on his lap. It was a simple but elegantly carved blade, and the edges were still sharp even after everything Ajay had used it for...and Sabal was well-aware that teaching Ajay to keep a blade sharp had been less-than-important compared to teaching him to kill with it. Ajay rarely cleaned a blade properly, and never sharpened it to his knowledge. Kalinag chuckled.

“It’s something I had thought about mentioning, yes, but it’s less important with this blade as it will stay sharp no matter what. I will admit that a nice bath would be lovely. Thank you for that, by the way. I recall you washed me after that one man attempted to assassinate Ajay.”

“I just wanted his blood…and Ajay’s...off the blade.”

“Still, thank you.” Sabal hummed in acknowledgement.

“Why does the blade do that? That...pulse?”

“It’s saying hello.”

“And are you and the blade...the same, or separate? How can you be here, talking, and have the blade still pulse in my hand?” Kalinag shrugged.

“We are the same, but the inside of the blade is not the most spacious or appealing home. Still, even when I’m outside the blade, a small piece of me remains attached inside, and it’s this part that says hello, or pulls you towards the unholy.” A thought occurred to Sabal then, but Kalinag shook his head.

“As much as I might appreciate it, I don’t think Ajay would be terribly impressed if you took his blade and accidentally went on a murder spree.”

“You think I wouldn’t be strong enough to resist?”

“Was Ajay?” Sabal sighed. Ajay hated killing more than he did, and that first time, on the way to Banapur...Ajay had been completely taken over.

“Exactly.” Kalinag paused, looking behind him.

“I believe Ajay has found his way to the girl...what was her name?”

“Bhadra...How do you know? You said you couldn’t accompany Ajay to see her.”

“I cannot accompany him physically, but our hearts are permanently linked. I feel his emotions, he feels mine. It’s why he sometimes asks me to explain his emotions to you when he’s too riled up to explain them coherently.”

“Like earlier, with how upset he was about my telling a Golden Path soldier about his killing Amita.”

“Exactly. I can feel waves of nervousness and anxiety across our bond, and fear of rejection. Either he’s just meeting with her now, or he’s hesitating outside, afraid to go in.” Sabal nodded.

“Bhadra will forgive him, I’m sure.”

“I believe he’s telling himself that right now, judging by what I’m feeling...I’m not sure he’s entirely convinced, or convinced at all.”


	3. Married Life

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a little side note here: Take the chapter title as a tongue-in-cheek kind of joke and not with any degree of seriousness. Have a sense of humour like Bhadra :)

“B- uh...Bha-Bhadra, hi.”

“Hi. It’s been a while, Ajay. How are you?”

“I’m, uh...I’m good, and...and...y-you?” Bhadra laughed.

“I’ll admit, I’m enjoying watching you squirm. What’s wrong?”

“I just...I’m just worried you’re...still...mad at me…”

“About making me Tarun Matara? No, Ajay. I asked you to make a choice and you did, so thank you. Besides, I’m doing well as Tarun Matara. The people love me.”

“Oh...Okay. Cool.”

“...And you’re also upset about…?”

“Well...about, uh...when...when I had to...um...um…” He faltered. It took a minute, but eventually Bhadra nodded her understanding.

“I was never angry at you, or anyone. I was just sad. It was sad that Sabal had become who he was, and sad that he made you do that. I...I was very impressed with what you did to protect Sabal, but it was sad that it had to come to that. But that’s in the past now, Sabal came to pray and ask me for forgiveness all the time. I think the fact that he isn’t coming anymore means that you finally forgave him, right?”

“Yeah, just a few weeks ago.”

“Good, then don’t worry about the executions that happened here. They’re in the past now, and they should stay that way.”

“Okay. So...we’re okay?”

“The only place we were ever not okay was in your head, Ajay,” Bhadra responded with a smile, “You need to stop worrying so much. It'll make you gray and wrinkly, and nobody wants to see that.” 

“Wha- hey, that’s rude…”

“Well, it’s true. Really, though, come sit. Let’s talk, catch up.”

“But...aren’t you like...a goddess now? Wouldn’t it be like...wrong, for you to sit down and talk with a mere mortal?” Bhadra laughed.

“You need to ask Sabal to tell you more about the Tarun Matara, because that question was so embarrassing I’m not even going to answer it.” Ajay laughed, sitting down.

“Okay, okay. Still, don’t you have people who watch you? Or something?”

“I have a couple nannies who see to my needs, and some priests who help me communicate with the gods. The Golden Path soldiers come down and say hi a lot too.”

“Okay...so where are they?”

“I sent them away, I knew you were coming and were nervous so I had them take the day off so we could talk.”

“You...knew I was coming? How?”

“My husband told me.”

“Your...what?!”

“My husband. Banashur, Ajay, the god who sang the world into existence? He told me you were coming.”

“Wait, back up, how are you married to a god?”

“Again, ask Sabal.”

“...Stupid question?”

“Very.”

“Okay…but seriously, how did you know I was coming?”

“I understand that you don’t believe, but that’s what happened.” 

“...Okay, if you say so…”

“I do.”

“Okay. So...what have you been doing? Since…”

“Praying, mostly. I pray to the gods, and I meditate, and I talk with Banashur. And I study. I have to learn a lot in order to be a good leader. When I’m older and I’ve finished my studies Sabal will let me take over some of Kyrat’s departments, like education and the military...but for now I need to memorize my times tables. I have to be able to do math quickly so that I can spot people trying to cheat me. And I have to learn how the laws in Kyrat work so that I can help uphold them.”

“So, you...go to school?”

“I have private tutors. They make sure I get to bed early, so I can grow strong. Besides, my husband likes to sleep next to me.”

“That’s...just...creepy.”

“That’s what Amita thought, too, but it’s not like that. He...it’s hard to explain...He likes to watch me sleep.”

“Not any less creepy.”

“He keeps me warm at night. It’s like...knowing somebody is watching over you and keeping you safe. Like a big, warm teddy bear.”

“...Are you sure it's not creepy?”

“Very sure.”

“Then I’ll try not to be weirded out.”

“I’ll pray to Banashur to help you understand.”

“Uh huh. I can always just ask Kalinag.”

“That’s a good idea. How is Kalinag?”

“Well...he’s a ghost, so…”

“Just because he can’t feel hot or cold or sick doesn’t mean he can’t feel. How is he? Is he happy? Does he like how Kyrat is turning out?”

“Uh...He seems happy enough. And, uh...he seemed glad when I finally decided to let Sabal back into my life.”

“Good. Ask him how he’s doing, okay? Just because his spirit is bonded to a blade doesn’t mean his emotions are as nonexistent as the blade he’s bonded to.”

“Right, sorry.”

“And take care of yourself. You pushed yourself really hard during the war, now you need a break.”

“Okay.”

“Think about what I said about Banashur.”

“Uh…”

“Ask Sabal and Kalinag.”

“Okay.”

“And don’t wait so long to see me, okay? Drop by whenever you’re in the area.”

“Okay. That I can do.” Bhadra smiled.

“Good. It was really nice to see you, Ajay. I missed you.”


	4. Late Evening

“Bhadra has forgiven him, the relief he feels is tangible. He does still have a thread of disquiet, but I also sense he’s headed straight back here to talk to us, so we’ll find out soon enough.”

“Good, good.”

“How is this Tarun Matara faring?”

“Very well. She’s very bright, she excels in all her studies. She’s too young yet, the war put her studies on hold, but when she’s older she'll make an excellent leader.”

“Good. Kyrat is in good hands.”

“Yes, and we’re finally going to see her prosper.”

“I’m glad. From what I know from Ajay, he was under the impression that Kyrat has been at war for a long time, long enough that he was starting to worry Kyrat simply wouldn’t be able to adjust to peace. I am sure he is glad to be proven wrong.”

“Kyrat has been at war for a long time, but enough is enough. We will have peace, and nothing will stand in our way.”

A few minutes later, Ajay walked in, sat down next to Sabal, and looked him deep in the eyes.

“Tell me everything about the Tarun Matara.”

“The Tarun Matara as in Bhadra, or the Tarun Matara in general?”

“In general.”

“Well, the Tarun Matara is a living goddess. At the cleansing ceremony the Tarun Matara purifies her spirit and casts away mortal troubles in preparation for being married to Banashur. In essence, she purifies herself to become a true goddess, and her marriage to the god Banashur solidifies that."

“Why a little girl though?”

“Banashur is not like the God in America,” Kalinag cut in, “He never had a corporal form, and therefore has no set age. Bhadra is being married to a spirit, and he appears to her in whatever form she is most comfortable with, which is usually assumed to be a boy of the same age as Bhadra.”

“Wait...So Bhadra’s married to a boy her age.”

“Banashur has no body, but that is in essence correct.”

“So there won’t be any…”

“No. Not now, not ever.”

“Even when Bhadra gets older?”

“As she is in a mortal form, Bhadra may do whatever she pleases as the need arises, but a god without a body cannot be plagued by needs of the flesh.”

“THAT’S what you thought?!” Sabal said, looking aghast, “That’s ridiculous to even think about!”

“Well...I mean…It happens a lot, in America…”

“What, men being married to girls Bhadra’s age? That’s sick.”

“Yeah, but...well...and our god was like forty-something when he died, so when you said Bhadra would be married to a god, I…”

“Assumed we would marry her off to some forty-something man who just happened to be a god. I always knew Amita didn’t understand the Tarun Matara, and here is my proof. If she’d taken the time to listen…! ...No, Ajay, Banashur will take on whatever image suits Bhadra in her prayers and communication with him, but for the most part he has no physical form.”

“So...when Bhadra said her husband likes to sleep next to her…” Kalinag smiled.

“Imagine a child similar to myself. What do you imagine I do while you sleep?”

“Well...I never thought about it.”

“Think about it now.”

“Maybe...you went into the blade.”

“Sometimes yes, but I do enjoy being next to you. We share a deep spiritual bond, Ajay, and physical closeness is comforting to me.”

“When you were resting, after your experience in Durgesh,” Sabal added, “I saw Kalinag sleeping next to you. I don’t think he sleeps, per se, but he wanted to be close, go through the motions.”

“Okay. That’s...way less creepy than Bhadra made it sound. She said he husband liked to watch her sleep.”

“I enjoy watching you sleep, Ajay. It helps me know you are at peace.”

“So...not creepy.”

“Not creepy.” Ajay breathed an audible sigh of relief.

“Okay. So what’s this about Bhadra taking over the military?”

“Bhadra’s duty as Tarun Matara is to oversee certain aspects of Kyrat’s way of life. The military and education, as well as business, on occasion, are some examples. She oversees places where a mortal might become greedy and power-hungry, and therefore ensures that the important parts of Kyrat are left free of corruption. ...But that’s when she’s older. Amita used to fight me constantly, and so Bhadra never received any of her education. Had this been peacetime Bhadra would already be ruling those parts of Kyrat, but as it is we need to wait until she is older.”

“Oh, I see.”

“Any more questions?”

“Uh...nothing I can think of. I just wanted to sort out the ‘my husband likes to sleep next to me’ bit.” Sabal sighed.

“You are ridiculous...but why didn’t you ask any of this before you supported me?”

“Because it was that or blow up a temple, which I thought was a little extreme.”

“A little?”

“Yeah.” Sabal rolled his eyes.

“Well, I think I’m off to bed. I’ve had enough of your nonsense for one day. REALLY, little girls being married to men, and blowing up temples only being a little ridiculous...Some days I just can’t stand you.” He started making up his little bed on Ajay’s couch where he’d taken up residence, and Ajay sighed.

“Alright alright, goodnight Sabal.” He climbed the ladder to his own bed, smiling as he started to pull off his clothes.

“So...you like sleeping with me?”

“Your peace is my peace. When you sleep...all is right in the world.”

“...Then I’ll head straight to sleep, and make everything okay. It sounds less creepy when you say it.”

“It’s not creepy.”

“If you say so…” Ajay was cut off by a yawn, and he curled up in bed, shifting as he felt Kalinag follow right behind him. It was...not warm, but almost warm. Like he could almost swear the temperature against his back was just a touch higher than it was at his front. He closed his eyes, letting his breathing even out, and he could almost hear Kalinag following suit.


	5. Old and New

Ajay spent more time visiting Bhadra after that. She really was falling into her role as Tarun Matara easily. Ajay wanted to bring Kalinag, but she wanted to prove to the people that Ajay didn’t need the blade anymore, and he was happy to oblige. They spent hours just talking, about her duties mostly, because he was curious, but at least he was asking less stupid questions as time wore on. She was absolutely overjoyed when he said he understood what it was like when her husband slept next to her.

“Kalinag does the same thing. It feels nice. I woke up in the middle of the night and he was just watching me. He helped me get back to sleep.” Bhadra smiled.

“Banashur does the same thing.”

“What does he look like?”

“He doesn’t have a body.”

“Yeah, I know that. Sabal said he appears in a form that’s best suited to the Tarun Matara of the time. So what does he look like to you?”

“Well...He’s a little shorter than I am, and he has thick brown hair, and a nice smile. He’s a bit older than me, it looks like, but of course Banashur has no real age, so I can’t really say. He has a very...serious type of face, but he smiles a lot. And he’s very kind, and very sweet, and very soft-spoken. He likes the curry my nannies make for me, he doesn’t eat but I like it a lot, and he says it looks very colourful.” Ajay sighed as he nodded. Bhadra seemed really happy, and Banashur seemed like a nice enough guy, not that Ajay had ever met him. She had nannies and priests, and Golden Path soldiers to protect her and say hi every so often. She was in good hands.

“You know, when you’re old enough...I think Kyrat is really going to do well.” She smiled at him, in all her finery, and she looked every bit a goddess, but at the same time she was still just Bhadra.

“Me too.”

***

“I think my mom was a good Tarun Matara,” Ajay commented one day.

“She was one of the best,” Sabal agreed, “She always had something kind to say, and Kyrat prospered under her. Even after Pagan took over, she was the reason the Golden Path had so many members. She urged them not to be afraid, to fight for their families, for a brighter future, for an end to the bloodshed, and the people listened. She was incredible.” He sighed, then looked over at Ajay.

“So what brought this up?”

“Just...Bhadra is...so much like a goddess, but at the same time, she’s...just Bhadra. In one of Mohan’s diary entries, he said mom spoke directly to the hearts of the people, and I think that was because she was just like Bhadra, looking like a goddess, but still being just Ishwari at the end of the day. I think mom was a good Tarun Matara, and that makes me happy.” 

Sabal smiled, but neglected to mention that all Tarun Mataras were good Tarun Mataras, because they received the highest education, and that included how to be the best and most benevolent leader. In many cases, the new Tarun Matara was even tutored by the previous Tarun Matara. Still, Ajay thought his mother was a good Tarun Matara because of who she was, and that was certainly a factor, just not the main reason for it. Even so, he would let Ajay have his moment. If he thought his mother’s kindness made her a good leader, he was not about to argue.


	6. Grief

It was dark. Ajay had his eyes closed, and he belatedly realized he was asleep. Yet...awake. It was peaceful. The air smelled of lavender, and each inhale helped to keep him asleep, to let him know that everything was just fine. Until it wasn’t.

Suddenly there was pain, a sharp pain in his throat, his own blade being used as a weapon to kill him. The peace was shattered in an instant, and Ajay’s eyes snapped open as he tried to stop the bleeding with his hands. The man who had tried to kill him used his blade to cut his own throat, and Ajay recognized him as the man from the failed assassination attempt so long ago. Oh, this was a memory. Ajay tried to stop the bleeding, but it was just as useless as before. That was alright, though, Sabal would come soon and save him. As the seconds ticked on, the blood flowing freely from his neck, and Sabal didn't appear, Ajay grew worried. Sabal was supposed to save him now. Wait. Sabal saved him after he radioed for him, he hadn’t done that. He blindly reached across his dresser for his walkie, but when his hand fell on the place he knew it would be, his hand felt only wood. He slapped his dresser desperately, trying to find it, but there was nothing there. Eventually, his strength wore out, and his hand fell limp to the dresser. Sabal would find his body in the morning, and the whole country would mourn.

‘This wasn't how it was supposed to go…’ That was Ajay’s last thought before his ragged, weak breathing stopped altogether, and his body stilled.

***

“AAAHHH!” 

“You were dreaming, Ajay, you were dreaming, it’s alright, all is well, breathe, Ajay, breathe…” He jerked awake and came face to face with Kalinag, face scrunched up with worry as he tried to soothe Ajay.

“Just breathe, Ajay.” Hands caressed his face, shushing him as he gasped for air and slowly pieced things together.

Dream. Bad dream. 

He pressed his forehead against Kalinag’s, sucking in deep, gasping breaths as he tried to calm himself. Ajay’s memories were scattered, but Kalinag saw the safehouse Ajay had stayed in in Banapur, and the scum who had tried to use him to kill Ajay. He saw no trace of Sabal, and figured out what the horror of Ajay’s dream had been.

“Do you need Sabal?” Kalinag asked quietly, and Ajay shook his head.

“No. Don’t need Sabal. I’ll be okay. Just...just stay.” Downstairs, Sabal, who had been half a second away from climbing the ladder to see if Ajay was alright, paused. Ajay didn’t need him. Kalinag must be handling it, then, so it wasn’t too serious. He sighed quietly with relief, heading back to bed.

“I’m not going anywhere. I’ll stay right here, as always.” Ajay wrapped his arms around Kalinag, pressing his face into his chest, and Kalinag pulled Ajay close to him. 

“Breathe, Ajay. Like Sabal taught you.” It was a slow process, but eventually Ajay’s breathing did return to normal.

“Holy shit…”

“It was just a dream, Ajay. You radioed Sabal and he came to you, you are alive and well, and that chapter of your life has been closed for some time. Just breathe, Ajay, do not let the dream trouble you.” His heart was still pounding a little too fast for his liking, but the panic had worn off enough for him to realize he was exhausted. Sighing heavily, he closed his eyes, trying to ignore his pounding heart and go back to sleep.

“Definitely going to visit Bhadra tomorrow,” he mumbled, and Kalinag smiled.

“By all means.”

***

“You two take care of yourselves, alright?”

“We’ll try not to burn the house down,” Sabal joked, and Ajay rolled his eyes as he walked out. He wanted to ask Bhadra about his dream from last night, mostly because he wasn’t prone to nightmares. While Sabal spoke of occasional nightmares of the atrocities he committed in war, Ajay never had the nightmares that plagued everyone else. Besides, that incident had happened months ago, why was it coming up now? He was well over it, and Sabal had saved him, anyways. He had nothing to worry about. He would get this all sorted out with Bhadra the second he saw her, and then he wouldn’t have to worry about it anymore. He hopped off the boat onto Jalendu Island, sighing when he saw everyone was gone. Bhadra must have sensed he was coming and sent everyone away again. He didn’t entirely believe that Banashur told her he was coming, but that was her story and she was sticking to it.

“Hey, uh, Bhadra? Sorry to drop in unannounced, I just…”

Ajay couldn’t remember anything that happened after that.

***

“What was it like? Before you met Ajay?”

“Terribly boring. I was waiting for Ajay the entire time, and I knew the day would come when he would find me, but it was a long wait. Being with him makes it worth it, though. He completes me. I feel what he feels and he feels what I feel. Our bond is...unique, but it is deep. Being separated from Ajay when he was confined in Durgesh...it was the same as I was waiting for him to arrive, but infinitely more painful. I am nothing without him. I was just as relieved as Ajay was to be reunited.” Sabal smiled.

“I enjoy hearing you talk about Ajay. It helps me know that whatever happens, he won’t get into too much trouble.”

“And what about you? What has it been like being Ajay’s guide?”

“You know, sometimes I feel like a butler, or a servant. It’s...it’s been incredible, though. Ajay turns to me for everything, and I’ve gotten so close to him. He’s...All I ever wanted to do was to educate him on his culture, and I’ve done that, and more. I- Kalinag?” Suddenly Kalinag had doubled over, crying out in pain.

“Ajay…!”

“What is it? Is he hurt?”

“Pain...so much pain...Take me to him, please, I need to be with him…” Sabal picked up the blade and Kalinag vanished into the blade, half dragging Sabal in the direction they needed to go. Sabal was so focused on following Kalinag that he almost ran right past an abandoned car, having to backtrack to get in and start driving. He followed Kalinag, but halfway there he realized they were heading to Jalendu temple.

“The temple…?”

“Please hurry, Sabal, please, he’s hurting…”

When they got there, Kalinag’s presence vanished, and Sabal knew he had gone to Ajay. When he headed downstairs to where he knew Ajay would be, however, he was stopped by Kalinag, face grim.

“Sabal. You may not want to see this.” The look on Kalinag’s face suggested he heed the warning, but he shook his head. If Ajay was gone, he had to see it with his own-

A scream erupted from just around the corner, broken and agonized but definitely Ajay. No matter what, at least he was still alive.

“...No. I will not hide here and leave Ajay to face this alone. Whatever he has seen, I have to see it too.” Kalinag sighed.

“I wish I was in a position to stop you,” he said, and then vanished. Sabal pulled out his gun and stepped around the corner. The irony of it all was that he immediately wished he had heeded Kalinag’s warning and remained ignorant.

Blood. There was blood everywhere, spattered up the walls and enough that the floor had a layer of it, like a flooded laundry room. Two nannies and a priest lay dead at the edges of the room, having tried to flee from their attacker. Three Golden Path soldiers gave their lives to protect their charge, but it was useless. There in the centre of the room, cold and still, was Bhadra.

Ajay was kneeling beside her, holding her body in his arms, uncaring of the blood that had stained his clothes beyond repair. A fresh scream erupted from him, and Kalinag doubled over with the pain of it.

“Ajay…”

“I’ve already tried, he cannot hear us. The grief is too potent.” Sabal nodded, turning away from the sight and pulling out his radio.

“This…” He choked, trying to force back the tears with every ounce of his willpower. Bhadra, the Tarun Matara...She had given Kyrat hope for a brighter future, for peace, and now…

“Th-this is Sabal. I need all available Golden Path...No, I don’t even care if you’re available, just get to Jalendu Temple. The…” The tears came, clogging his voice despite his best efforts.

“The Tarun Matara is dead…!” He cut communication before his soldiers could hear their leader cry.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, uh...
> 
>  
> 
> ...Sorry?


	7. To be a Leader

There were about a dozen soldiers on site in minutes, and they were all clearly affected by the carnage laid out before them. Two passed out and had to be carried outside, and the rest plucked up what semblance of indifference they could and started investigating the crime scene. Ajay’s screams and sobs made it difficult for all of them, and many were in tears as they checked the wounds, trying to find as many clues as they could. Nobody spoke their findings aloud, and Sabal was certain that was for Ajay’s benefit. They all knew better than to speak callously about a person’s murder when a loved one was nearby. Besides, this was the Tarun Matara; they were all loved ones. Bhadra had been a sweet young girl, she had so much more life in her...This never should have happened. Sabal excused himself for a moment.

Nobody was outside save for the two unconscious soldiers, but Sabal went to the very edge of the island anyways. He kicked boxes, he kicked the water, he beat his hands on the ground, and he cried. He cried his heart out, stopping only when he felt a hand on his shoulder. It was Kalinag, and he leaned in, wrapping his arms around him and sobbing into his shoulder.

“You should...b-be with Ajay…” He heard a soft sigh through his tears.

“Ajay cannot hear me right now, my attempts at comfort would go unnoticed. You need me just as much as Ajay does, and I would be wrong to forget that.”

“How can I go back in there and...I’ve forced myself to be strong in the face of grief before, but this...not like this. I’m not...I’m not strong enough for this…”

“You have to be. Your men need the strength to continue on, and they will look to you to give them that strength.”

“I know that, but-”

“No buts. You must be strong. Reach deep inside of yourself and find the strength you do not think you have. Lean on me. I will stay by your side until Ajay has recovered.” Sabal nodded. He sighed deeply, splashed water on his face to cover the tears, and then slowly he stood, walking back towards the temple with Kalinag beside him. Kalinag spared a glance toward the two soldiers on the ground. They had already woken up, but had tactfully decided to feign unconsciousness to give Sabal his privacy.

“You have good men. They know you are suffering as well, and you can find strength in that. You do not need to be uncaring, but you cannot fall apart on them.” Sabal nodded.

“Welcome back, sir. We, uh...we think...it all happened very quickly.” Sabal sighed.

“That is good. What else have you found?”

“Whoever killed them knew what they were doing, there were no signs of a struggle. The soldiers barely even had time to fire off a shot.” Sabal waited. It seemed like he had something else to say, but he wasn’t saying it.

“And…?”

“And...it’s just...well, we’ve examined the other bodies...If...if possible, we...well, we will need to…” Sabal closed his eyes, having dreaded this moment.

They needed Ajay out of the way.

He had wanted to give him time to grieve, to come back to himself, and he had noticed the soldiers working around him the best they could, but finding out what had killed Bhadra came before letting Ajay grieve, and they all knew that, even if they hated the thought. Now they were relying on Sabal to be strong.

Sabal glanced to Kalinag, who nodded.

“I am here. Do what you must.” Sabal nodded, kneeling down beside Ajay.

“Ajay...Ajay, it’s time to let go now.” Ajay continued to sob as though he hadn’t heard.

“Ajay. Let go now, we need to get you cleaned up.” He put a hand on Ajay’s shoulder, and Ajay only clung to Bhadra more tightly, pressing her face into his chest. He sighed heavily, only wishing that this was the first time he’d had to drag a mourning family member off a corpse. It wasn’t, and Ajay couldn’t stay.

“I’m sorry, Ajay, I really am.” He reached under Ajay’s shoulders, pried his hands off of Bhadra, and pulled hard. With nothing to hold onto, Ajay was dragged back and away from Bhadra, and Ajay screamed, kicking and twisting and struggling to get away. The room held a kind of solemn, resigned air. They’d all seen this before, and it was nothing new. If it had to be done, it had to be done. They needed to find Bhadra’s killer, and they didn’t have time to wait until Ajay was coherent enough to understand. It was as simple as that. 

Ajay was much stronger than the average grieving mother or son, and he very nearly worked himself loose. Two more soldiers came to his aid, one for each leg, and together they carried Ajay out to a boat, where one of the soldiers that had previously been unconscious hastened to hop in and start the boat for them, driving them away from the island. Ajay’s struggles became more about vengeance when he realized he couldn’t get back to the island, lashing out at them with less blind need to get away, and a much more obvious intent to hurt. The soldiers tried to shush him, even if they knew it was useless, but Kalinag was already there, providing a constant stream of comfort and reassurance that Ajay wasn’t listening to.

Eventually though, Ajay kicked and screamed himself raw, and his struggles ceased simply because he was too exhausted to continue. He grunted and moaned, but holding onto him was much easier, and they put him in the back of a car and drove him to Mohan’s house.

“Should we bring him up to bed?”

“No, not yet, I want to make absolutely sure none of this blood is his. Beside, he’ll want to be clean for when he wakes. Thank you, you can go back to Jalendu now.”

“Sabal…Who...who would do something like this?” He sighed heavily as they set Ajay down in the bathtub.

“...I don't know, but we’re going to find them, and bring them to justice.” The soldier nodded and left, and Sabal sighed as he began peeling Ajay’s clothes off, ignoring his struggles. 

“Just relax, Ajay, we’re going to get you cleaned off.” Kalinag knelt and started singing to him, trying to soothe him and get him to sleep as Sabal filled the tub. Eventually Ajay’s struggles stopped entirely, and he stilled in the tub. Slowly Sabal began to wash the blood of Ajay’s body, shushing him as he whimpered.

“Will he be alright?” He asked, and Kalinag reached out to run a hand through Ajay’s hair.

“...I don’t know, I can't reach him. All I feel is pain.” Kalinag vanished suddenly, and Sabal had the distinct impression that this was Kalinag’s way of leaving the room to cry somewhere alone.


	8. Questions

He washed Ajay, having to drain and refill the water when it became too saturated with blood. He was completely uninjured, which meant he must have arrived too late to stop it. Still, he might have seen something, anyone unusual, anything out of the ordinary. The problem was getting Ajay to be coherent enough to tell someone what he saw.

With Ajay clean, he tossed away the old clothes, having to tuck Ajay into bed nude. Not ideal, but Ajay had been sitting in that blood for Kyra knew how long, and everything down to his underwear was soaked through with blood and wouldn’t come clean. He sighed, sitting by Ajay’s bed and resolving to wait - if impatiently - for Ajay to wake up.

He knew the moment Ajay started to come back to himself, because Kalinag appeared at his side in an instant, taking his hand and pressing it to his cheek.

“I know, I know, Ajay, I know, I’m so sorry, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry,” he was repeating before Ajay had even woken up. His eyes opened, and then Kalinag was reaching for a bucket which he put in front of Ajay a few seconds before he doubled over and started retching.

“Shh...shh, let it out, Ajay...Shh, you’ll be alright…” When he was done he sat back in silence, eyeing the ground.

“Ajay…” Kalinag said gently, “We want to find out who did this to her…” Ajay nodded, but otherwise didn’t move, and Sabal realized it was incredibly frustrating not knowing exactly what was on Ajay’s mind. He’d be relying on Kalinag a lot to help Ajay navigate his grief. 

“Perhaps you should leave Ajay’s grief exclusively to me...for now, anyways,” Kalinag whispered in his mind, “You just focus on doing what you can to find out who did this.”

“Ajay. I...Do you mind if I ask you a few questions?”

“I wasn’t there. I didn’t see anything. I only arrived...after…” 

“I know that, but there may have been something you saw that we missed. Was there any indication that something was wrong?”

“No. …” There was a pause afterwards that Kalinag thankfully interpreted.

“That is important, Ajay. You should tell Sabal.” 

“...There were no guards on the island.”

“Guarding the temple from above ground?”

“Yeah. Bhadra said last time that her husband told her I was coming, and she had her soldiers leave so we could talk alone. I didn’t really think anything of it when I didn’t see anybody.”

“And you didn’t hear anything unusual? ...Screaming, perhaps, or…”

“No. They were already dead by the time I arrived on the island.”

“Long dead. If you didn’t see any boats, then the killer had time to murder Bhadra and escape before you came. That puts her time of death before...what time did you arrive?”

“...Noon, maybe?”

“Sometime before noon. When did you see her last?”

“Three days before that, last time I went to visit.”

“Alright. I’ll interview everyone and see if we can’t pinpoint the time of death. Ajay...I’ll need to rely on your knowledge of killing for these questions.” Ajay nodded numbly, and Sabal briefly worried about the apparent lack of grief he was showing.

“The calm before the storm,” Kalinag whispered, “Or perhaps the calm between storms. It will not be as bad as the first.” 

“...You want to ask me about what Bhadra looked like when I found her.”

“No, I want you to take a guess as to what kind of person could do what I’m about to describe. Ajay, nobody in that room had a chance of fighting back. Not even the Golden Path soldiers had any defensive wounds, and I’m told they didn’t have time to even fire their guns. Who, in your experience, could do that? Royal army…?”

“No,” Ajay answered with certainty, “No royal army soldier did this, not even the ones up north were that good. It couldn’t have been Golden Path...Some foreign mercenary, maybe? Why, though? And how? Somebody would have noticed another foreigner roaming the country...No, I’m pretty sure we can rule out a foreign assassin…” Ajay fell silent, and Kalinag shook his head.

“Amita is dead, and even if she were not, she couldn't have done this.” Finally Ajay sat back with a sigh.

“I’m sorry, Sabal. The only person I can think of who could even come close to killing with this much efficiency...is me.”


	9. Mortal Attachment

“Well you can’t have killed Bhadra,” Sabal snapped.

“That wasn’t what I said. I said I can’t think of anyone who would have killed her. They would have had to have been as good as me, whoever they were.”

“There’s nobody as good as you.” Ajay fell silent, curling up on his bed.

“...There’s a little girl who would disagree with that statement...if she could…” Tears welled up in his eyes, and he started to sob.

“...She is with her husband now,” Kalinag murmured, “She is happy.” Kalinag flinched, clearly knowing he had misspoken even before Ajay let out a fresh sob, louder than the rest. Sabal looked away, wiping a tear before Ajay could see it, then wrapped his arms around him.

“Shh...she’s at peace now. She wouldn’t want you to grieve like this, you know that.”

“She...she...Kyrat was finally going to have peace!” He sobbed, “And it’s RUINED! The...the schools and the army are going to be corrupt, and...and…!” He hadn't wanted to bring this up so soon, but…

“Kyrat will grieve, yes...but another Tarun Matara will be chosen, and the new Tarun Matara will carry on Bhadra’s mission and bring peace to Kyrat.”

“But BHADRA…!”

“I know, Ajay, believe me, I know. Kyrat will grieve, and you must grieve.”

“She had so much life...Why...Why did this happen? Who would do this?! WHY?!?” Kalinag sighed.

“I do not know, Ajay, but we will find them and bring them to justice. For Bhadra.” Ajay continued to cry softly, and both Kalinag and Sabal held him close.

After a long, long time, Ajay finally pulled back.

“You’re...you’re grieving too…” He murmured to Kalinag, who sighed.

“I lost my mortal attachment to this world a long time ago, my grief is irrelevant compared to yours.” Ajay shook his head.

“Bhadra said ‘Just because Kalinag can’t feel hot or cold or sick doesn’t mean he can’t feel. Ask him how he’s feeling sometimes.’ I’m asking how you’re feeling now.”

“...In my time...for a Tarun Matara to die before her time was...the whole country went into mourning, for years, even after the new Tarun Matara had been selected. For a Tarun Matara to be murdered...it’s unheard of. Beyond unheard of. It’s a crime too heinous to speak of. The...the depth of my grief...I’m having difficulty expressing what I feel in words. That the world has become a place where a Tarun Matara is murdered…” Kalinag sighed mournfully, and Ajay reached up to wipe a tear away, causing Kalinag to blink in surprise.

“...I’m...I’m okay now, so...you...you don’t have to be the indomitable warrior anymore…” Kalinag’s mouth twitched, and tears began leaking from his eyes more readily.

“I feel so silly, crying over a Tarun Matara that is not my own…” he murmured, “But...why did this happen? Who would do this? Those...those are mortal questions, I thought I had long since lost any connection to them, but...the Tarun Matara…”

“She wasn’t just any little girl,” Ajay said quietly, “She was a goddess. A...leader, I guess. She was more important than the average person. It’s okay to be hurting.”

“But Ajay, I can feel your grief-”

“And I can feel yours. Let's just...both grieve together, alright?” Kalinag sighed but slowly agreed, wrapping his arms around Ajay and kissing his cheek gently as Ajay returned the embrace.


	10. Birthright

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning for major - but temporary - character death.

It took time, but slowly Ajay’s grief turned to rage. He scoured the countryside, killing every single unholy person he could find. As the number of unholy decreased, Ajay became aware of a presence, so wrong and unholy that he headed straight for it. Killing a Tarun Matara would make somebody that unholy, easily. Hell, he wasn’t even sure something that evil could be caused by only one person.

When he found the source of the presence, Ajay found a man standing over three dead bodies, covered in blood spatter and holding a blade that was thicker than his, much thicker, and curved.

“Who...who are you?” Ajay asked, and the man smiled calmly.

“My name is Nadish.”

“These people...why did you kill them? Were they unholy?” The man’s grin widened.

“Yes. They were unholy.”

“He’s lying,” Kalinag warned him, “Keep your guard up.” 

“How did you get that blade?”

“It was mine...by birthright.” Ajay scowled.

“Who are you?!” The man outright laughed.

“Still confused? Oh, alright, then. My name is Nadish...but you might know me better as Rakshasa. Reincarnated.” Kalinag scowled, and Ajay gripped his blade tightly.

“You killed Bhadra.” The man laughed again.

“You have to ask? Of course I killed that disgusting goddess. You and I are opposites Ajay. Where you are trying to purge this land of the unholy, I am trying to purge the land of the holy. First Bhadra, then these little flies...Good Samaritans, your Christian bible would call them. And now...you. You and I were destined to fight, Ajay. One of us will carry out their destiny, and one of us will lie with these flies. Shall we begin?”

‘Shall we begin’, how fucking polite of him, Ajay thought with a scowl as he readied himself. 

“Do not lose your focus for even a second,” Kalinag warned him, “This man will be just as deadly as you, and even more ruthless. He will not hesitate to fight dirty, and neither should you.” Another second of pause, and then the fight began.

Ajay lunged forward, slashing in a wide arc, which the man dodged easily. He replied with a thrust that Ajay barely squeezed out of the way of. Ajay backed off, and the man let him have his distance, content to let Ajay make the first moves. Ajay tried again, feinting a thrust and then slashing, successfully nicking the man on the arm. He staggered, but recovered quickly and slashed at Ajay, who dodged. The both slashed at the same time, their swords clanging together and sliding uselessly off. The man feinted and Ajay flinched, and the man punched him in the face. He staggered backwards, eyes closing from the pain, and before he could recover a searing pain ripped open his stomach. The man was smiling as he wrapped his arms around Ajay, shushing him.

“There...It'll all be over soon, just relax...close your eyes, sweetheart, just go to sleep…” He pulled the blade out, and Ajay gasped, shuddering as his eyes closed. 

“No…no...Ajay…” He heard a whisper in his mind, but he was too far gone to place the voice. His knees buckled and he slumped against the man, strong arms guiding him to lay on the ground as wetness pooled around his body.

“Just go to sleep, Ajay...It won’t be long now, and then you can sleep as long as you want…” He shuddered, and then everything faded into numbness.

The man smiled as Ajay stilled. Even the great Ajay Ghale was no different than any of the others he had killed. Strong in life, but once the blade plunged into him, Ajay fell asleep as quickly as the rest. Once he was sure Ajay was well and truly asleep, he kissed his forehead, then got up and left.

“I almost pity Kalinag,” a deep voice grumbled in his mind, “He’ll stay next to Ajay for eternity, alone with the knowledge that he failed to protect his charge. His grief must be all-consuming, and it will be all-consuming for the rest of time. He will be trapped, unable to move or find rest as Ajay’s body decomposes in the earth. Such a sad existence.”

“Is that what would happen to you if I died?”

“Nonsense. I would find another charge and carry on where you had left off. It is the weakness of the holy to develop such crippling attachments.”

“Lucky for us we have no such weakness.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I. Am. So. Sorry.


	11. Second Loss

He should call Sabal. He should call Sabal. He should...but he couldn’t. He couldn’t leave Ajay. Ajay…

“Oh, Ajay...Ajay...Ajay...Oh, Ajay…” He leaned down, pressing their foreheads together and sighing as tears fell onto Ajay’s cheeks.

“Oh, Ajay...I’m so sorry...I’m so sorry...I’ll never leave you...I’ll stay with you forever, and make sure nobody ever disturbs your rest…”

***

It was a few hours later that Ajay was found by two Golden Path members. His body had already gone cold and stiff by the time they happened on the scene. They both emptied the contents of their stomachs, then tried their best to search the crime scene. The only noticeable difference between this and the other was that Ajay’s blade had blood on it. He was strong enough to fight back...but not strong enough to win. With the crime scene properly investigated...they had to call Sabal.

“Sabal?”

“What is it?”

“I...I’ll send you our coordinates...You...need to...come…”

“What? What for?”

“It’s...Ajay…”

“Is he alright?”

“...No. The...the killer has struck again.”

“...And...Ajay...he...he’s…” 

“I’m...sorry...sir...He didn’t make it.”

Sabal felt his whole world tilt upside-down. First Bhadra, now Ajay? He went to the coordinates, and the two soldiers both bowed as he came by.

“We’re here...if you need us,” one said, then they let him pass.

It was the same as the last crime scene. Ajay’s eyes were closed and he was lying in the grass. The pool of blood beneath him left no doubt that he could not have survived. Besides that, Kalinag hadn’t so much as moved to acknowledge his presence. He was bent over with his forehead pressed to Ajay’s chest, and he was utterly silent. The grief was palpable.

“Kalinag...Please...tell me it isn’t true…”

“...He has passed, Sabal. He’s dead.” Sabal sank to his knees, running his fingers through Ajay’s hair and starting to sob.

“Ajay…Ajay…” The Golden Path soldiers kept back, letting Sabal grieve. Kalinag didn’t so much as move, and they both mourned Ajay’s body in relative silence before Sabal spoke.

“Kalinag...who did this?” Kalinag pulled back, wiping at his eyes.

“He called himself Nadish. Ajay was right, he was created to be his counterpart. Ajay was my warrior, this man is the warrior selected by the Rakshasa to defeat my descendent. With Ajay gone, there will be nobody to stand in his way. He will purge the holy and send Kyrat into chaos.”

“How will we stop him?”

“...Technically...it is my duty to find another to carry on where Ajay left off. As Ajay’s guide, this burden would fall to you, but...I…I cannot carry on without Ajay, and I won’t risk your life as well.” Sabal sighed.

“I’ll take the risk. And it is your duty to help protect Kyrat. Kalinag...you must carry on. You must. For Ajay.”

“I won’t. Not without Ajay. I need to stay with him, make sure he can rest.”

“Kalinag…” Sabal sighed, deciding to try using Kalinag’s own words against him. “You need to find the strength you don’t think you have. Lean on me, I will help you.” Kalinag pulled back.

“...When Kyrat is safe...I will stay with Ajay. Forever.” Sabal nodded.

“You can keep his spirit company, and make sure nobody disturbs his grave.” Kalinag bent over, kissing Ajay’s forehead and stroking his hair.

“I’ll be back before you know it, Ajay, and then I’ll never leave you, ever again.”


	12. Reunion

It was...misty. He felt...he didn’t feel anything, actually. Everything was white, a pure, soft white that was relaxing to his eyes. He felt like he was floating. No warmth, cold, pressure...it was a little unnerving. He clenched and unclenched his fists to ground himself.

“Ajay. Ajay, are you awake?” Was he? It was so hard to tell when he couldn’t feel anything. 

“Ajay, open your eyes. I know it’s hard, but please open your eyes.” It took forever to figure out how, but he did. A smiling face met his gaze and he recognized it immediately, even though it took him a few moments to figure out how to speak.

“Bhadra…?” She smiled wider.

“Ajay, hi. How do you feel?”

“Umm...well...not...not much, really…” She smiled.

“That’s okay, that's normal here.” He sat up, wrapping his arms around her.

“Bhadra, I...I’m so sorry I couldn’t protect you...I’m so sorry I wasn’t there...I’m sorry, I’m so sorry!”

“It’s okay, Ajay, really. I’m okay. I’ve never been happier, really.”

“It is an honour to meet you in person, Ajay. Well, as close to in person as we can get here.” Ajay looked over and saw a child just about Bhadra’s age. He had a mature-looking face, and a pleasant smile. He’d never seen him before.

“Umm…”

“Oh, right. Ajay, this is my husband, Banashur. The god who created the world through song. ...Coincidentally, he has a lovely singing voice.”

“Pleasure to meet you, Ajay.”

“Yeah, you too.” He looked a little young to be someone who had created the world, but then this god had no age. It was still a little odd.

“Ajay, do you remember what happened to you?” Ajay tried to remember, a frown forming on his face. 

“Close your eyes, sweetheart, just go to sleep…”

Oh. He’d been stabbed. Considering Bhadra and a god with no body were here...the stab had killed him. 

“I...died…”

“Yes. But no. I won’t allow it.”

“You...won’t allow it.”

“That man MURDERED my wife,” Banashur nearly growled, and Ajay had to admit that it was VERY intimidating to be in such close proximity to an angry god, “And I want him to pay. You will not rest until her murder has been avenged. I do not care how many times you fail, I will bring you back until you succeed.” It was a few long moments until Ajay spoke again.

“Dying...Well...I...I’ll try not to do it too many times.” Banashur smiled.

“Good. If you head east of Banapur, you will find a master swordsman. Ask him to train you, but be warned, the Rakshasa has a taste for killing that will never be satisfied. Once he finds out you are alive...he will kill you, again and again, for the sheer fun of it. You...will be the high that never stops.”

“...Yeah. In...the last...anyways, he...he said some...things...kinda creepy.”

“Indeed. Keep Sabal close, the Rakshasa may attempt to kill him.”

“Gotcha.”

“And, Ajay? Kalinag is going to be beside himself. Just a...heads-up.” Banashur smiled.

“Enjoy these last few moments of peace, Ajay. Waking up is going to hurt. Now close your eyes.” Ajay obeyed, but then snapped his eyes open.

“W-wait!”

“Yes?”

“Bha-Bhadra…”

“I’m okay, Ajay.”

“I...I’m not…” He was crying again, and he pulled Bhadra close.

“I miss you...this never should have happened...I’m sorry I couldn’t be there to save you…” 

“It’s alright, Ajay. I get to really be with Banashur, and I’m happy. I’m really, really happy, Ajay. Honest. And...well, you died, so you know what it’s like. I was very afraid, but then...it only hurt for a little bit, and now look. I’m with Banashur.” Ajay nodded, but the tears wouldn’t stop.

“...Bhadra?” He asked, voice thick.

“Yes?”

“I...I...have another question…”

“Is it a stupid question?”

“I...don’t think so…”

“Go ahead, then.”

“Sabal said...they’d pick another Tarun Matara. That Tarun Matara...will be married to Banashur, right? So then...what happens to you? Is Banashur just going to...abandon you, to be with his new wife?”

“Of course not, Ajay. Though...to be honest...I’m not actually sure how that works…”

“I sang the entire world and every living organism into existence, I can bring the dead back to life as many times as I feel like...is it really so hard to believe that I can split my being to be with many people at the same time? The Banashur that I am with Bhadra will be a different Banashur than the one I will be with the new Tarun Matara, and that Banashur was different from the Banashur I was with your mother.” Ajay blinked, sidetracked by yet another question.

“How did that work? Mom being married to you while being married to...ugh.” Banashur laughed.

“She was in love with Mohan, similar to the love you share with Sabal. Our love was a spiritual love, similar to what you share with Kalinag. They are both called love, but they are different. Do you understand?”

“I...yeah, I think so.”

“Good. On that note...I hope this experience has taught you that you need to open up about your love for Sabal. I can say with absolute certainty that he reciprocates your feelings fully. Tell him you love him. It will not get in the way of your bond with Kalinag, and your bond with Kalinag will not interfere with your relationship with him. They will be very different, and you can have both at the same time. Tell Sabal you love him. You will not regret it.”

“...Okay.” Banashur smiled, reaching out to touch Ajay’s cheek.

“Close your eyes now. This will only take a moment.” 

“W-will it hurt?”

“It will be disorienting, and it will be painful when you wake in the physical world, but the process itself is entirely painless. Ajay, close your eyes. No more delays, you must return to Kalinag and Sabal. Do not let them grieve any longer.” Ajay nodded, closing his eyes. It felt like he was falling, and then his consciousness fled.


	13. Confession

“...Kalinag?”

“Sabal?”

“Can we...I...I’m not sure I’m ready to say goodbye yet…”

“I have no objections if you want to stay a few minutes longer. Ajay…” Kalinag sighed, taking his place beside Ajay yet again as Sabal pulled Ajay back into his arms and the tears resumed.

“I love you, Ajay...I love you so much…” And Sabal sobbed all the harder because he had been too late, and now Ajay would never hear him speak those words. Kalinag wept as well, knowing Ajay had harboured strong feelings for Sabal, but only suspecting that those feelings were mutual. A love separated before it could be confessed was the most painful of all.

Sabal knew that they had things to do, that the Rakshasa was still out there, but no matter how many times he tried to pull himself together a fresh wave of tears forced him to a standstill.

“Ajay...Ajay…” Sabal wept into Ajay’s throat, and it felt like the tears would never end. 

“Sabal!! He-he’s alive! He lives!” Sabal pulled back to see Kalinag looking shocked beyond compare, as though he couldn’t believe it. He COULDN’T believe it, but there was no denying the way that Ajay’s presence had suddenly blossomed to life, weak but there and getting stronger by the second. By the time Sabal had recovered from the suddenness of that statement, Ajay’s chest had already started to rise and fall with slow, steady breaths. Sabal took Ajay’s hand, ripping open his shirt and pressing his ear to his chest. The steady beat he heard there was the most welcome sound he’d ever heard in his life.

“Kalinag, his heart is beating! Am...am I...is it real?” Kalinag listened too and he beamed, his joy absolutely uncontainable.

“His heart is beating, your ears aren’t deceiving you. The gods have sent us a gift…” Suddenly Ajay’s eyes fluttered, half-closed, and then closed again.

“Ajay! Ajay, open your eyes for me again, please, please…” When those eyes fluttered open a second time Sabal knew that Ajay had heard him, and he laughed. He laughed.

“Ajay! Praise Kyra, praise Kyra! Praise Kyra, you’re alive!”

“...P…”

“No, Ajay, don’t speak yet,” Kalinag cut in, “Your body needs to recover. Do not speak, let your thoughts become one with mine.” He placed his hands on Ajay’s cheeks, and he hummed his pleasure as memories that hadn’t been there before Ajay’s passing flowed into his mind.

“Ahh...Praise Banashur, he is the one who has given Ajay back to us.”

“Banashur himself?” Sabal whispered in awe, and Kalinag sobered.

“Even he is furious that Bhadra was murdered. He will resurrect Ajay as many times as it takes for him to kill the Rakshasa...a blessing and a curse.” Ajay opened his eyes, looking at Sabal, and Kalinag smiled. 

“These thoughts you must speak aloud...if you are ready.” He knew it didn't matter.

“Sa...b...ba...l…”

“Ajay, I’m here, Ajay, blessed be Banashur, I’m here.”

“I...I...lo...lo...ve...y...yo...u…” Sabal’s eyes widened, and tears filled them.

“You...love me?”

“...Mm…” Saba leaned forward to kiss Ajay on the lips, and it was featherlight but Ajay knew there would be a world’s worth of passion if he thought Ajay’s body could handle it.

“I love you, Ajay, I love you more than you could ever know, I have always loved you and I will love you for eternity, please don’t ever leave me like that, not ever again, I will pray to Banashur daily to thank him for this miracle, please, Ajay...just let me kiss you. Let me kiss you every day, let me make love to you every night...and you’ll make a devout man pray to a very different god.” Ajay was too weak to smile, but he made the quietest kissing sound with his lips, and Sabal leaned down to kiss him again.

“I love you too, Ajay. I will love you for eternity.” Ajay closed his eyes, and Kalinag smiled.

“Sabal? Ajay wants you to teach him how to pray, when he has recovered.” Then Kalinag leaned down, and a few moments later started to cry. He let all of his fears and grief and the pain of Ajay’s loss flow across their bond, and Ajay sighed. His fingers twitched, and then slowly worked their way up Kalinag’s side to hold him.

“H...ur...ts…” he murmured, and Kalinag sighed.

“Yes, Ajay. The rigor mortis is still wearing off, it will be some time before you regain any range of motion, and longer before you regain your strength.” There was a pause where Kalinag read Ajay’s thoughts.

“...It’s been almost a day. Long enough that Sabal and I...well...we were just...I’m so sorry, Ajay…” Ajay nodded, seeing it in Kalinag’s mind. They were going to carry on without him. Of course they were; he had been dead, and they had had no way of knowing Banashur would bring him back. He understood. He looked to Sabal, making another little sound, and Sabal leaned forward to kiss him again and again.

“I’ll always kiss you, Ajay. Anytime you want, from now on.”


	14. Training

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope the training montage isn't too training-montage-y. Sorry.

It took days for Ajay to properly recover from...well, dying. All in all, he recovered in record time. He trained with Kalinag and Sabal a little bit to work his strength up, and then he went to see the swordsman east of Banapur that Banashur had mentioned.

It was a tiny hut, but the grounds had obviously been made for sparring, and a man was currently lashing out against a swinging log.

“Excuse me?” Ajay began timidly, and the man turned around.

“Excuse me?” He mimicked, “And you call yourself a warrior? Kalinag must be ashamed of you.” Ajay flinched, and Kalinag assured him repeatedly that he was not.

“A warrior isn’t going to politely ask to begin a sword fight, and you should learn to break the habit.”

"Liar," Ajay thought, "the Rakshasa asked me politely to begin..."

“Now I assume you’re here because you want formal training, instead of just blindly waving your sword around? Well, I won’t say no to Kalinag’s warrior, not with this lowlife murdering our goddess. I’m just saying we have a LONG road ahead of us if you’re going to get decent. Been winning on beginner’s luck so far, I wager. So, show me your stance. ...No, your- is THAT your stance? ...We’re all doomed. We’re all doomed.”

"Might’ve been nice if Banashur would have warned me the guy was a dick," Ajay thought bitterly as the swordsman manhandled him into a proper fighting stance. Kalinag chuckled, and began reminding him that he was incredibly proud of Ajay’s progress.

“You call that a slash? Try again. For heaven’s sake, step into it!! How do you plan to have any power in your slash? Again! AGAIN!!”

“STEP INTO IT!! Your thrusts have no power, you need to step! Follow through!”

“You think your sword does the blocking for you? Your block is only as strong as the arms behind it! Stronger! STRONGER! That was a thrust, you can’t block a thrust like that.”

“You need to be fast on your feet! You need to dodge just as effectively as you strike!” Ajay tripped, and the swordsman outright laughed at him. Kalinag was hard at work soothing his battered and bruised ego, while Sabal was hard at work soothing his battered and bruised body. Ajay had no strength left at the end of the day, not even to kiss Sabal, but they slept beside each other every night. 

Since Ajay’s confession, Sabal had become incredibly affectionate, hardly leaving his side for anything. Banashur had been right; their two relationships didn’t cause any conflict at all, and Ajay was beyond glad for that. Sabal had also given him his prayer beads in order to teach him how to pray.

“They were Mohan’s,” he said, and then immediately backpedaled when Ajay glared daggers at him.

“Is that...a problem?”

“Of course that’s a problem!”

“You never did tell him about Lakshmana,” Kalinag reminded him gently, “You weren’t on the best terms, remember.” 

“Oh. You don’t know why that’s a problem. Oops.”

“Why is that a problem? What’s this about Lakshmana?” 

“Mohan murdered Lakshmana. She was mom and Pagan’s daughter, so Mohan took it upon himself to murder a little girl who had barely reached her first birthday. So mom killed that fuckface and then left for America to raise me there. I figure she couldn’t pretend to be upset that the asshat who had killed her daughter was dead. Besides, she was with Pagan then, and the Golden Path wouldn’t have been super happy that their precious Tarun Matara was abandoning “the cause”. And she said that Kyrat changed people. Lookwhat it did to Mohan. She didn’t want that for me, and I don’t want that for me either. I’ll take the beads because they’re yours, not because they were Mohan’s.”

“...Oh. So...that’s why you hate him.”

“You think that’s not a good enough reason?”

“No, I think it’s plenty good. I’m sorry for your loss.”

“Thank you.”

“You still want the beads?”

“Your beads? Of course.” Sabal handed them to Ajay, who smiled.

“So what do I do with these things?”

“With each bead, you give thanks for something you have, and on the last bead you ask for something. It helps to remind us not to be greedy.” 

***

“I give thanks for Kalinag. I give thanks for Sabal, and the love we have. I give thanks for Banashur, and Bhadra, and being able to see them and know Bhadra is safe and happy. I give thanks for the life that Banashur had given me. I give thanks for everything that has happened since meeting Kalinag. I give thanks for the asshole swordsman who made me a better warrior. I give thanks for the good I have done with Kalinag at my side. I give thanks for the life I lead in America, as it made me who I am. I give thanks for Lakshmana, who is now at peace with her mother. And I pray to Kyra, and to Banashur, for the strength I need to defeat Rakshasa reincarnated.”


	15. Déjà Vu

Ajay had about five seconds to feel smug as he watched the smile drop of Rakshasa’s face into a look of absolute shock.

“Yeah, me too, honestly,” Ajay thought, in a distracted moment.

“FOCUS,” Kalinag snapped, “Just because Banashur will bring you back does not mean you can charge into battle like a fool!”

“Yeah, I get it. Dying sucked, I’m not keen on doing it again.” Meanwhile, the smile slipped back on to Rakshasa’s face.

“Oh my, you have one of the big guns in your corner, do you? Well, well, this could be fun...I was just thinking about what a thrill it was for me to kill you, and here you are, offering yourself up to me again. Tell me, Ajay: What was it like, going to sleep? Not any of the stuff after, what did it feel like when you were dying? Did it really feel like falling asleep? Did it hurt? Were you afraid? Poor Kalinag was beside himself with grief, were you? Come on, satisfy my curiosity, won’t you?” 

“I ain’t satisfying shit,” Ajay snapped as he got into his ready stance.

“Ooh, you’ve been practicing...This won’t take long. Well then, shall we begin?”

“There we go again with that polite shit,” Ajay thought, “lying swordsman.”

“AJAY!!” He was… “listening more closely” this time, for lack of a better way to put it, and he heard the fear behind the irritation. 

“It’s okay, Kalinag,” he whispered, “I don’t plan on dying. If I do, though...keep me safe until I wake up, okay?”

“I won’t leave your side again, Ajay, I give you my word. No harm will come to your body.” 

“...That makes me feel better, somehow.” Ajay sighed, then opened his eyes. The Rakshasa still maintained a relaxed ready stance, watching him but not impatiently. He was waiting for Ajay, as always. He straightened his ready stance, then lunged forward into his thrust. Rakshasa dodged easily, knocking him away. He recovered, slashing this time, but his blade was parried and met with a retaliatory strike. 

“You HAVE been practicing,” Rakshasa taunted, “But unfortunately that means you suck. This is almost too easy. Shall I end the torment? Is the anticipation too much? Not yet, I don’t think. A little longer.” They exchanged blows, and Ajay was on the defensive the whole time. Even when he was given a chance to strike, it was dodged or blocked with practiced ease, leaving Ajay with the distinct impression that Rakshasa had let him have a chance to swing in the first place. 

Ajay growled, growing frustrated, lashing out with a slash that was easily deflected.

“Maintain your focus, Ajay,” Kalinag reminded him, and Ajay stepped back to catch his breath, and to relax.

“Frustration setting in?” Rakshasa asked, letting Ajay have his break, “I’ll end it with these next few blows, alright?” Ajay shuddered, and Kalinag shook his head.

“Do not let him plant fears in your mind. Fight with everything you have.” Ajay nodded, and stepped forward, slashing again. Rakshasa dodged easily, spun him around before he could recover, and plunged the blade deep into his stomach. Ajay choked, struggling to keep breathing. He wouldn't go down this easily, not after all his training…

“You focus too much on the rules, Ajay,” Rakshasa murmured to him, “You’ve lost the spontaneity you had as a novice. Now, come on, there’s no point fighting it any longer. You’ve lost. Close your eyes, Ajay, let sleep take you...There…” Ajay’s eyes closed, and Rakshasa caught him just like last time. Ajay groaned out a breath, and his eyes fluttered, the sky above him going dark.

“Shh...don’t fight it, Ajay, just rest...Shh…” His eyes closed again, and slowly his strength drained away from him like the blood rapidly pooling around his body. The blade slid out of his body, and Ajay arched before going limp completely. Rakshasa smiled.

“Oh, Ajay...I wish I could tell you how beautiful you look like this, and how much this makes me want you...I’d fuck your corpse right here and now if Kalinag would let me.” The wave of murderous intent and a sudden urge to kill himself told him that wouldn’t be happening.

“I can’t wait to fight you again, Ajay. Next time, hit me with everything you’ve got.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Do you think I should ta this as major character death? I mean, he dies, but...not really. Does that count?


	16. Back again

Kalinag told Sabal briefly that Ajay had lost, and then returned to his side, holding him close and waiting in deathly silence until Ajay woke again. Sabal, for his part, spent his time convincing himself that Ajay WOULD wake up again, that Banashur had delivered him back to the world of the living once, and had promised to do so until Ajay successfully defeated Rakshasa.

“Hurry back, Ajay,” Sabal whispered, and Kalinag made a sound of discontent, like he was afraid the noise might disturb Ajay’s rest.

***

“Ajay...Ajay, wake up.” Bhadra...ah, shit. He opened his eyes, and Banashur and Bhadra were smiling at him.

“Welcome back, Ajay,” Banashur murmured, “Would you like to take a few moments before I send you back?”

“Yeah. Did...did the wound from last time…?”

“No, I healed it completely. I would not risk you suffering from an injury while you fought him. This time, Rakshasa was right. In the beginning stages of learning swordplay, your chances of survival decrease as you become focused on the rules, and the proper stances. You lose the unexpected and almost random style that a beginner has. That spontaneity gave you the edge last time, and without it his victory was assured. Learn what you can from this fight, and then practice more, and focus on rules less. Now...let’s not keep them waiting any longer. Besides, the less time you spend here, the less time rigor mortis has to set in and the less time it will take to recover. Close your eyes, Ajay.” Ajay did, and the same falling sensation overtook him before he returned to nothingness.

***

“Praise Banashur, he has returned to us.”

“Praise Banashur...Ajay? Ajay, can you hear me?”

“...Ugh…sh...shit…”

“Oh, Ajay!” Sabal hugged him, being mindful of his weakened state. “I...I’ll admit...I was afraid Banashur wouldn’t bring you back again…”

“Mm…” Ajay wasn’t in the mood to talk much, not after being dead.

“Let’s not press him too much, he’s still weak. Rest a few minutes until the rigor mortis wears off, alright?” He placed his hands on Ajay’s cheeks.

“Tell me what Banashur said.” Ajay closed his eyes, the entire flow of memories tainted with a single thought: “It wasn’t much…”

“On the contrary, it was plenty,” Kalinag told him, “You’ve improved. Your training has given you the materials you need, now you need to develop your own style. You need to interpret his style and learn to fight against it. Are there any connections between this fight and the last?” Ajay thought. The only thing he could think of was the way the man cooed to him as he died, and he shuddered at the mere memory. Other than that...he had been stabbed both times. Any way to kill him, and the man chose to stab him in the stomach. And that both times, he’d thrown him off-balance beforehand.

“See? That is important. You should focus your efforts on long-distance combat, and not letting him get his hands on you. If he touches you, it’s over, as it has been both times.” Kalinag smiled, but Ajay sighed.

“I think I’m gonna wait a little before I challenge him again,” he murmured quietly, “I don’t like scaring you like this. Do you think...Banashur will mind?” Sabal smiled.

“I don’t think so, but don't wait. Challenge him when you think you are ready. The sooner you defeat Rakshasa, the sooner I don’t need to be afraid of you dying. I’ll wait at home, like a dutiful housewife...and the moment this is over I’ll play the part of the husband and fuck you intro the nearest surface.” Ajay smiled, slowly sitting up.

“I dunno, I might want a bath first, if I’m covered in Rakshasa’s blood…” The little bit of logic made Sabal huff irritably.

“Well fine, bathe, eat, sleep, get all nice and recovered, and THEN I’ll fuck you into the mattress. You’ll last longer if you aren’t weak, anyways.” Ajay smiled, then sighed.

“I'm not sure I’m ready…”

“Rest, recover, train more,” Kalinag said, “Ask your master to focus on long-range combat and not getting thrown off-balance. You will succeed eventually, Ajay.” Ajay sighed.

“Dying...It just...it hurts…”

“A blessing and a curse,” Kalinag murmured, patting Ajay’s shoulder, “When this is over I will make sure to help ease your suffering. Take comfort in knowing that this pain is not eternal. Eventually you must emerge victorious.” Ajay sighed, excusing himself by saying he needed rest. Sabal curled up on one side of him, and Kalinag on the other. They didn’t bother trying to comfort Ajay, they knew it wouldn’t help.

***

“You want...what? To focus on long-range fighting and how not to get caught by cheap tricks? Okay...This is about that goddess-murdering son of a bitch, isn’t it? Is that...okay, walk me through the last time you fought him. Every move, everything.” His teacher was a lot more kind when he was training Ajay to kill the Rakshasa. Perhaps he sensed a fire that hadn’t been there before. Perhaps he was glad that he was given things to focus on. Perhaps he was simply in a good mood today. Ajay didn’t care. He was learning.


	17. A Page from his Book

“Back for more, Ajay? Good, good...killing you is always such a joy. That said...please don’t make it boring like last time. Shall we begin?”

Ajay hung back, way back. The first strike didn’t come for a long time, as Ajay waited and watched and tried to spot a weakness in Rakshasa.

“You’ve learned a lot, Ajay. Really, congratulations. I love the focus in your eyes now...it’ll make it that much better when it dims.” Rakshasa didn't lose focus for a second. Ajay struck hesitantly, and was pushed back, and the circling continued.

“You’re very cautious today, Ajay...are you afraid? It only hurts for a few moments, Ajay, and then...oh, but that’s the problem, isn’t it? You’re not sleeping, are you? It hurts for a few moments and then you get sent right back to do it all over again, is that what happens? The gods are cruel sometimes, Ajay. You won’t rest until you kill me...and we both know that will never happen. Poor thing...let me let you in on a secret, Ajay. I can let you rest a little before I kill you. I have a poison that will make you comatose before you die. You’d get to sleep a little before being sent back. Would you like that?”

“Just fuck off,” Ajay snapped, “I don’t want any of your bullshit.”

“But you’ve done nothing to stop my so-called bullshit. You’re afraid to die. It’s natural, Ajay.”

“...He is right,” Kalinag eventually admitted begrudgingly, “You must fight him eventually.” Ajay scowled, then shot forward again, trying another slash. It was easily deflected, but Ajay tried again and again. Deciding to try taking a page from Rakshasa’s book, he grabbed him by the wrist and pulled him, sending him off-balance for the first time. The stab Ajay aimed at him was only barely dodged, and when Rakshasa recovered himself he was scowling for the first time.

“...Think you're smart, do you?” He snapped, “Trying to use my tricks against me?”

“It worked,” Ajay snapped right back, lunging again. Ajay landed more and more hits on Rakshasa, scratches here and there, and with each successive hit Rakshasa grew more enraged. Finally he abandoned technique altogether, lunging at Ajay and bringing the fight up close and personal. He yelled and growled and snarled, his anger overwhelming him as he slashed at Ajay over and over again.

“Just...fucking...DIE!” He yelled, finally losing control and throwing himself fully at Ajay. They landed together in a heap of bodies, and Ajay kicked and struggled to get Rakshasa off of him, but he had barely worked himself free when the searing pain ripped through the middle of his back. He tried to move but a hand roughly grabbed his shoulder and rolled him over, and Ajay saw Rakshasa’s face alight with fury and the full length of the blade coming down towards him, and when it struck there was a flash of pain and then long-familiar darkness.


	18. Dinner

“Ajay, welcome.”

“Are you...going to send me back right away again?”

“Not this time, no. I realized we haven’t had time to talk, and you miss Bhadra so dearly. I thought we might have dinner.”

“But Kalinag…”

“Kalinag will understand, believe me.”

“Should I...Is there any way I can tell him?” 

“He knows already, I am sure.”

“O...kay…? How?” Banashur smiled impishly.

“I created the universe, I bring people back from the dead, I split myself into many beings to be with my many wives...sometimes, Ajay, there simply isn’t a “how”. It just is. Kalinag knows, and he understands, trust me.” Ajay sighed.

“Alright, alright. Why...never mind. Let’s...eat, I guess.” They sat down at the table, and Bhadra smiled.

“This is nice, Ajay. I miss you.”

“...I miss you too, Bhadra. Every day. And...Sabal misses you too. I’m sure everyone does.”

“Who’s going to be the next Tarun Matara?”

“Uh...I don’t know yet.”

“Have you bothered to check?”

“Uhh...not...really…”

“So no.” Ajay sighed in defeat.

“I just don’t want them picking another Tarun Matara so fast. Shouldn’t the country grieve your loss first?”

“Kyrat’s always been at war, and the Tarun Matara gives the people hope. They don’t have time to properly grieve the past Tarun Matara, they need another one to lift the people’s spirits and comfort them in their time of loss. When the fighting is over the new Tarun Matara and her priests will lead a proper funeral to mourn the previous Tarun Matara. You have to tell me who’s leading my funeral, and what she’s like next time, okay? Promise.” Ajay sighed, slumping back into his seat, and the pleasant atmosphere at the table vanished as soon as tears started forming in Ajay’s eyes.

“Ajay? What’s wrong, what did I say? I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to sound insensitive…”

“It’s not that…” he said, wrapping his arms around Bhadra as she came to hug him, “It’s just...you said next time.”

“Next time, yeah. Next time you come. Oh...which...involves dying, and dying hurts. I’m sorry, Ajay, that was really stupid of me to say.”

“Yeah, but...You’re so sure of yourself. I’ll find out about the next Tarun Matara right away, and then the next time I die, because of course I’ll die, I’m nowhere near good enough to beat him, I’ll tell you what she’s like. I just...You’re so sure that I’m going to die. I was doing well this time, what if I win next time? What makes you so sure I’ll die?”

“I…I guess...I guess I just...got used to seeing you, is all. I’m really sorry, Ajay, I didn’t mean it like that, promise. I...well, I don’t watch you fight, because I don’t like fighting, I never did. So I don’t know how you did last time. I’m sorry, Ajay. Really. You know I’m sorry, right?”

“I...I’m sorry, it’s...it’s just a bit of a sore spot with me right now…”

“Dying hurts, Ajay. I still remember, even if I don’t think about my own death too much. I can’t imagine what it would be like having to die over and over again like that, and it was wrong of me to speak so callously of your death. Even if you’ll come back, it hurts...and I was wrong to forget that.” Ajay nodded, holding Bhadra tightly in a hug.

“From what I saw…” Banashur injected gently, “This will be over soon. You were fantastic out there, Ajay, you made him lose his composure. You were a challenge to him, and I doubt he’ll forget that again. Suddenly you killing him doesn’t seem like such an impossibility. He’s training to change up his tactics for next time, so ask your teacher to focus on adaptability.” Banashur knew Ajay was only partially listening, his attention swept up by the string of praises. He wasn’t sure Ajay would die next time, and that was the comfort Ajay needed. He smiled when Ajay nodded, satisfied, and gave Bhadra a little smile to show that he was alright now.

“I’m really, REALLY sorry, Ajay.”

“It’s okay, Bhadra. Like I said, it’s just a bit of a sore spot with me right now. I just need to get over myself. I didn’t mean to cry at the dinner table.”

“Banashur says the table is just to hold our food while we talk. There aren’t really rules about anything here. Besides, I did the same thing too. When I died, I cried about it a lot, so...no shame, Ajay. None at all.” Ajay nodded, sighing as he finally picked up his fork and started eating.

“This is...good. Will it actually fill me?” Banshur laughed.

“No. You’re quite dead, Ajay. It will make you feel full, but it won’t translate to the physical world. It’s mostly a physical comfort for both of you. This is Bhadra’s favourite meal, as well.”

“...Bhadra did say you liked how colourful her favourite meals were.”

“She did say that, yes.” Banashur suddenly sighed a little irritably.

“It’s about time,” he huffed under his breath.

“Sorry, about time for what?”

“Dessert,” he said, regaining his mood from moments earlier. As he spoke, a plate of something appeared in front of Ajay, and he stared at it even as Bhadra let out a gasp of delight.

“This is Bhadra’s favourite dessert,” Banashur said, “It’s called Jheer. It’s very similar to rice pudding from England, but it’s flavoured with fruit. Dig in...and don’t be afraid to tell me you don’t like it. I can always whip up something else.” Ajay tried it tentatively.

“It’s...different,” he finally said, “But it's not horrible. I could get used to it. It’s just a different...type of flavour...than ones I’m used to. It’s good.”

“Not horrible” and “good” are not exactly the same thing,” Banashur said with a smile, “But I’m glad you find it “not horrible.” Ajay laughed a little.

“Yeah, sorry. Words aren’t exactly my strong suit.” He finished his little plate of Jheer, sighing.

“I don’t think I could eat another bite,” Ajay said, and Banashur smiled.

“Then it is time for you to rejoin Kalinag and Sabal,” Banashur said, rising from his seat at the table, which vanished as soon as everybody had stood.

“Bhadra, my love,” he said gently, and Ajay smiled when Bhadra flushed with pride at the pet name, “Would you give us a moment alone? Perhaps you should say your goodbyes now.”

“Sure.” She came forward to wrap her arms around Ajay, who eagerly returned the embrace.

“I had a great time, Ajay, and I’m really sorry for upsetting you earlier. I’ll miss you. Maybe when this is all over Banashur will let us talk. Maybe if you pray more.”

“I’d really like that,” Ajay agreed, “I miss you, Bhadra.”

“I miss you too, Ajay. Promise me you’ll take care of Kalinag and Sabal.”

“Promise.”

“Okay.” She pulled back, then gave a brief wave and vanished. Ajay frowned, but Banashur smiled.

“She’s fine. This isn’t like the physical realm at all, but as you are not dead you have no need to learn how things work here. Now Ajay, I need you to listen to me very closely.” All humour dropped from his face, replaced by a somber expression. “I kept you here longer for more than a quaint dinner, I did it to keep you safe. Your skill in battle today infuriated the Rakshasa, and he has only recently stopped mutilating your body.” Ajay gasped, but Banashur held up a hand.

“You will be fully healed when you awaken, I promise you, but the healing will be fresh, and you will be in a lot of pain. In addition, rigor mortis has had hold of your body for much longer, and you will not recover nearly as easily. You may be paralyzed for quite some time. Your muscles will have atrophied some as well, so be prepared for weakness, and possibly cramps.” Ajay nodded, and Banashur laid a hand on his arm.

“And, Ajay...Kalinag has had to witness your suffering. Even if you could not feel it…” Banashur trailed off, and Ajay filled in the blank.

“...He’s gonna be pretty upset.”

“To put it mildly. I did not want Bhadra to know about this, so if you could please refrain from mentioning it should we meet again.”

“Of course. There’s no way I’d tell her about this.”

“Good. Ajay, I’m going to send you back now. This time will be far worse than all the other times. Be prepared. When you are ready, close your eyes.” Ajay nodded solemnly, took a deep breath, and then closed his eyes. He felt tired suddenly, but not in a physical sense. Rakshasa had been right; all pain, no rest. Perhaps he should take him up on that offer of time to sleep before he died next time. Just like all the other times, it felt like he was falling, and then he felt nothing at all.


	19. Paralysis

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this chapter is super confusing, and there's not much I can do about it. Most of Ajay and Kalinag's dialogue is telepathic, and towards the end of the chapter Kalinag is speaking the words even though it's Ajay's lines. He's simply repeating word-for-word what Ajay wants to say to Sabal. It's weird, and I hope I've done enough to explain it. Also the translation will be given at the end of the chapter, don't worry.

Oh, SHIT. It hurt, everything hurt, it hurt to breathe, it hurt to exist, his whole body stung and throbbed and ached with a level of pain he hadn’t known the human body was capable of tolerating. He let out the tiniest of whimpers and a voice was immediately soothing him with words he felt more than heard. It was Kalinag, and Ajay felt his burning desire to help but also the growing frustration at his lack of ability to do more than soothe him with empty words.

“It HURTS…!” He groaned with his mind, the pain too intense and his body too stiff and weak to even think about speaking right now. Kalinag soothed him with promises that the pain would dull soon, that he just needed to wait a little longer, but he was just so TIRED of being in pain, he didn’t want to be in pain anymore! Kalinag could only offer his presence as comfort, and that was fast becoming not enough for Ajay, and they both knew it.

“Think of Bhadra,” Kalinag urged him, “Think of Sabal. ...Think of ANYBODY.”  
Ajay thought of Bhadra, of her sweet smile and the way she’d apologized so sincerely for upsetting him, the hug she’d given him as an apology. He thought of Banashur then, and the way he had told him to refrain from mentioning the violence to his wife should they meet again. Should, not when. He was getting better, Banashur had said so himself. This was almost over. Just a little more, he told himself, maybe one or two more deaths. Kalinag had promised to soothe his pain after, and he needed it RIGHT NOW but...he could try to hang on a little longer. As he took a few mental breaths to calm himself, he became aware that Kalinag had been right, that the pain had lessened significantly and was now just a lingering weakness, and he thanked Kalinag for distracting him. Kalinag soothed him by telling him that he was proud of him, of what he’d endured, and Ajay felt the flash of pleasure and relief when those words did help calm him. 

Ajay finally managed to open his eyes, and Kalinag was above him, smiling with relief to see him, but his eyes and cheeks were still wet with tears. 

“I am so glad to see your eyes again,” Kalinag cooed, but then more tears fell and the smile fell off his face right along with them.

“What...What took so long? I’m not complaining, not in the slightest, not after…” Fresh tears fell, and Kalinag had to take a moment to collect himself. “...But when you didn’t wake I…” Ajay opened his mouth to speak, then realized there was no way that was happening now, and simply shared the memory of their dinner together, with the colourful curry and the jheer dessert. And Kalinag laughed.

“Dinner…!” he said between tearful laughs, “Please forgive me, Ajay, there are things you do not yet know that make the cheerful dinner scene a little bit ironic.” Ajay sighed, sharing what Banashur had mumbled under his breath during dinner, the irritated “It’s about time,” and the things he had said just before sending him back, that Rakshasa had been mutilating his body and had only just finished. Banashur hadn’t gone into much detail, but it was enough that Ajay did understand Kalinag’s pain, and he made a point of that.

“You are very sympathetic, Ajay, and I thank you for that, but are you well enough to be worrying about me?” Ajay twitched a finger experimentally, and the entire bottom half of his arm cramped painfully.

“Not yet,” he told Kalinag with pained humour, “But Banashur said I’d be like this for a while. I don’t think I’ll be getting up on my own any time soon.” Kalinag sighed.

“I would call Sabal and ask him to send someone for to get you and bring you home, but...I am loathe to leave you alone, not when that bhosadike is still out there.” Ajay blinked in absolute shock. Ajay didn’t know what that word meant, but he was absolutely sure he’d only heard it in the most heated arguments. Whatever had happened...had really pissed of Kalinag. He’d never cursed, even when speaking about Yuma. Whatever this guy had done was clearly worse than batardizing Shangri-La, and that was damn well saying something.

“Banashur only sent me back when he was sure he was gone,” Ajay told him with his mind, “I’m sure I’ll be fine. If I’m not, I’ll call you right back. You’ll come, right?”

“In a heartbeat,” Kalinag assured him, laying his hands gently on Ajay’s cheeks.

“Then go. I’ll be okay.”

“...I will return in but a moment. I’m sorry, Ajay, I’m sorry I must leave you.”

“I’m literally telling you to go,” Ajay said with humour, “Now hurry up, I want to get back to my own bed.” Kalinag sighed, then vanished.

***

“Sabal, send some men east of Kyra tea station to help you recover Ajay. Bring something to carry him with.”

“Is he alright?”

“No questions, do it quickly.” Sabal wanted to question further, but he’d never seen Kalinag this distraught, and that was including the hours before they knew Banashur was bringing Ajay back to life. 

“This is Sabal. I need three Golden Path soldiers east of Kyra tea station. Ajay is in distress and needs to be rescued. Bring a board to carry him with.”

“On my way!”

“Be right there!”

“Me too, I’m coming!” With everyone confirmed, Sabal grabbed his jacket and ran out the door, heading towards the tea station.

“Will you tell me what’s going on now?” He asked, but Kalinag was already gone.

***

“Ajay, my heart, Sabal is on his way.” Ajay made no response, but Kalinag knew he had heard.

“Are you alright?”

“...Just tired…” 

“Sabal will be here soon, and I will watch over you until he arrives. If you wish to rest now, you can.” Ajay wasted no time in closing his eyes. He knew this would make it harder to regain his strength later, but right now he didn’t care. He was tired, he slept. Period.

He slept for a long time, long enough that he was deeply asleep when the first Golden Path soldiers arrived, board in hand. 

“Ajay? Ajay, hey!” One leaned down and checked his breathing, then began gently slapping his cheek to wake him.

“Ajay? Ajay, wake up. Ajay! Come on, Ajay!” Finally Ajay stirred, looking weakly at the soldiers.

“Ajay, hey. Can you move?” Ajay couldn’t, not without painful cramps, and besides, he wouldn’t have the strength to stand up anyways. He blinked twice, hoping they would notice.

“He blinked twice. That’s “no”, right? Okay, okay, can you speak?” He blinked twice again.

“Okay. ...Okay, are you injured? That’s a stupid question, you’re covered in-” Ajay had blinked twice. “...Are you sure?” He blinked once.

“...So you just...can’t move?” Ajay blinked once.

“Why?” Ajay stared pointedly at the board. He wanted to go home, dammit!

“Right, right, sorry. Do you think it’s safe to move you?” Ajay blinked once.

“Okay. We’re going to tie you to the board and get you lifted up, okay? Do you just want to go home?” He blinked once again.

“Okay. Ajay, we’re going to move you now. It...Well, I don’t know what you’re feeling, but it might hurt, okay?” Ajay blinked once, then closed his eyes.

“Okay, on three. One, two, THREE!” They shifted Ajay onto the board, and Ajay groaned as the shift in muscles prompted cramps all over his body. He sighed when he was on the board and getting strapped in, trying to relax again. 

“Ajay! AJAY!!” Sabal was running towards him, looking downright panicked, and Ajay could only hope that Sabal saw the compassion in his eyes since he could only offer the tiniest of smiles.

“AJAY! Are you hurt?” He blinked twice.

“Can’t you speak?” He blinked twice.

“What’s wrong, what happened? Do you know?” He blinked once.

“Kalinag won’t tell me, will you?” He blinked twice, and Sabal swore at the top of his lungs.

“He’s been dead a long time, his body is still paralyzed from rigor mortis.” Sabal glared daggers at Kalinag, but at least he had an answer. Ajay was paralyzed from rigor mortis. 

“Do you know why you were dead for so long?” He blinked once. And then immediately blinked twice to answer the question he knew was coming. Sabal cursed again.

“Sabal, will you help us lift?” Sabal shook himself, sighing.

“Yes, yes, sorry. We’ll get you home, Ajay, and then you can rest.” Ajay closed his eyes. He was resting now, dammit. There was very little jostling when they were walking with him, and he was able to fall right back to sleep, thankfully.

Ajay woke to cramps all over his body, though he thought they were somewhat less than before.

“Gently, gently now,” he heard Sabal urging quietly, “We don’t want to wake him.”

Too late for that, but Ajay kept his eyes closed anyways. Maybe he could fall asleep again.

“How are you feeling?” Kalinag asked.

“...” Ajay frowned. He wasn’t particularly tired… 

“...Weak? Kinda...kinda wish I could move...or speak…”?

“We’ll practice when the soldiers leave, alright?” Ajay sighed.

“Thank you for your help,” Sabal was saying to the men.

“No problem. Make sure he gets better, okay?”

“Will do, thank you.” They left, and Ajay opened his eyes.

“Can you be my translator?” Ajay asked, and Kalinag smiled.

“Of course.”

“Oh, Ajay...I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you.”

“That’s alright,” Kalinag supplied.

“And...you can’t talk? At all?”

“No. I don't want to try. Anytime I try to do anything I get cramps.” Sabal sighed.

“What took you so long to come back this time?” Ajay hesitated, and Kalinag outright started to cry, wiping his tears away furiously.

“I...don’t exactly know,” Kalinag said, still translating for Ajay, “Kalinag hasn’t told me, and Banashur only said...Rakshasa...no, no, I’m alright, Ajay...m-mutilated my body...after I died…” He sobbed, and Sabal hissed.

“Mutilated your body? How?”

“H-he doesn’t know, I haven’t told him yet...Ajay, I tried, I tried so hard to make him stop, but nothing worked…! I was useless!! I’m so sorry, Ajay...I...I vowed to keep your corpse safe, and I...I...I’m so sorry!” Ajay tried to move his arm to rest it on Kalinag’s, but lack of use made his arm weak, and he couldn’t move it more than a few inches. Kalinag sighed heavily, taking his hand and bowing his head.

“I’m sorry, Ajay…” Ajay sighed, showing Kalinag a memory of himself, a long time ago, sitting forlornly on Ajay’s bed in the safehouse in Banapur. 

“I am only sorry that I wasn’t quick enough to save Ajay. Trapped as I am in an unmoving object, I can only do so much…” Kalinag sighed heavily. 

“You may be right...but I won't feel better until you are healed.”

It took more than a month for Ajay to recover fully. Sabal sucked Ajay off more than once.

“To help exercise muscles he might not otherwise use,” he said innocently when Kalinag expressed his concerns about Ajay engaging in such a strenuous activity. As if the need to be close and feel Ajay’s body shuddering underneath him was more than just worry over Ajay’s health.

During a peaceful cuddling session with Sabal, something occurred to Ajay, something that caused Kalinag to grimace.

“Sabal?”

“Hmm?”

“Ajay, I would really prefer that you didn’t-”

“What does...um…bo...bhosadike mean?” Sabal dropped the thankfully empty teacup he was holding, staring at Ajay with a look that was nothing short of horror.

“Wha...WHERE on Kyra’s green Earth did you learn that word?!”

“Um...Kalinag said it. I kind of assumed it was a swear, given the context.” The horrified look was leveled at Kalinag, now tinged with something akin to anger, and for the first time Kalinag looked like a child in the middle of getting scolded.

“What in the bloody hell were you doing saying a word like that in front of Ajay?!”

“It...slipped out,” he admitted ashamedly.

“It SLIPPED OUT?! What in the hell were you talking about when it SLIPPED OUT?”

“Ajay wanted me to go get you to pick him up, and I was worried that...Rakshasa...would be around…” The shocked, angry, disappointed, and somewhat disgusted look on Sabal’s face was one that would have looked much more natural on Amita’s face, as Ajay had seen her wear it more than once. Finally Sabal huffed heavily.

“Well, what’s done is done. Bho- That word...the general translation is “born from a rotten vagina,” Ajay gasped and covered his mouth for having said the word, even without knowing the meaning, “but in use it is roughly equivalent to the word “motherfucker." Ajay, I feel much too old to be saying something like this, but don’t EVER. Speak that word aloud again, understand?” 

Ajay nodded vehemently.


	20. Self-Doubt

“When an enemy charges you, it means they’re losing control. Use that to your advantage.”

“How?”

“Remember your basic training. When your opponent is angry, they’ll go for the obvious attack. A straight charge, a series of slashes and then a thrust. Let’s practice.”

***

“Kalinag?”

“Yes, my heart?” Kalinag had started calling him that recently, and he’d been overly affectionate. He knew it was because of what Rakshasa had done to him. About that…

“Can...Will you…” He stuttered, not able to get the words out, but Kalinag understood.

“I...I am afraid the knowledge will cause you pain.” Ajay snorted.

“There’s plenty of that going around already. Besides, I have you to help me. As you said once… “I can’t help you heal from your suffering unless I know it”, right? You’re upset and I want to help you.” Kalinag nodded, placing his hands on Ajay’s cheeks.

“This will be the first time that I have shared my memories with you, correct?”

“I think so, now that you mention it.”

“It can be overwhelming, so brace yourself.”

“Gotcha.” Kalinag nodded, and then suddenly he wasn’t in his house anymore.

He was standing off to the side, watching his fight with Rakshasa. Searing pain ripped through his senses, but it was emotional this time, because no matter how many times he died Kalinag never stopped hurting. He watched in helpless grief and fury as Rakshasa’s blade slammed down into his chest and blood spurted from the wound. He watched as his eyes went wide and then suddenly there was an emptiness in his chest so palpable it hurt. He was dead. He had quite literally felt the exact moment he had died, felt his presence vanish from their bond. Was that what Kalinag went through with every death? He didn’t have time to dwell.

Rakshasa was not content to kill him only once, he whacked at him over and over with the blade, the same way he vaguely remembered doing to Yuma when she was disguised as Kalinag. Rakshasa screamed in wordless fury as he struck him over and over again, until finally he was panting heavily, and the blade fell from his hands. That was it. He was done now, Ajay was dead, he would get up and walk away, with no more fun to be had.

“Oh, Ajay...I’m sorry you had to see me like that, I didn’t mean to lose my temper…” Now that he had recovered, the other Nadish was back, the one who forever kept a level temper and an almost cooing voice. Nadish looked him over for a few long seconds, then smiled, reaching out to touch his face. 

“I’m sure I've said this before, but you’re so beautiful when you’re covered in your own blood...And I’ve asked Rakshasa to help me practice keeping my mind strong...Do you think I can do it, Ajay? I think I can. I shouldn’t be obsessing so much, but I can’t help but want you, with all that beautiful blood all over your body…” Nadish’s hands moved slowly towards his belt, and he and Kalinag realized what he was going to do at the same time. Rage filled him, from Kalinag, and panic gripped him, a feeling he was fairly sure was his own, not related to the memories Kalinag was sharing. Kalinag was exerting every ounce of his will on him, trying to get him to kill himself, but Nadish only sighed.

“Do you mind, Kalinag? You’re kind of killing the mood here.” Kalinag wouldn’t let up, but Nadish seemed unfazed, working his pants down as though savouring each moment - stop it, that’s MY body, get off! Nadish pulled back to unzip his own pants, grinding himself against his leg - stop it, get OFF, don’t touch me! - to make himself hard, and then hoisting him up.

“You won't mind much if I don’t prepare you, will you? Seeing as you’re dead and all...Besides, you’re dead. Your muscles should be plenty relaxed. Oh, Ajay, you’re so beautiful, I just can’t help myself.” Slowly, carefully, he lined himself up - stop, get off, get off, get AWAY from me - and just as he started to penetrate the first ring of muscle, he - stop it, get off, not my body, get off get off get off get off GET OFF GET OFF GET OFF -

“Ajay.” It was all gone, they were back at home where they had been. Kalinag was there with his hand on his shoulders, and Ajay gasped at the suddenness of the transition. He realized he was panting heavily - just as Rakshasa must have been while he was VIOLATING his BODY -

“Ajay, shh, shh...shh, you’re alright...shh…” He was crying, no, he was outright having a meltdown, and even as he wondered how the hell he’d gotten this upset without realizing it he fell into Kalinag’s waiting arms and kept right on sobbing.

“Shh...Shh...I’m sorry, Ajay, I did everything I could…”

“He RAPED ME…!” Ajay sobbed, clinging to Kalinag for support, “I was DEAD and he RAPED ME!” His mind reeled from the realization, and Kalinag held him all the tighter.

“I’m sorry, Ajay...I’m sorry...I tried to make him stop, I did, but…” Kalinag saw himself in Ajay’s mind, after their confrontation with Yuma, saying “I am old, and strong, but not indomitable,” and he sighed.

“...Yes.”

“...S’okay,” Ajay mumbled, “I don’t blame you.” He took a breath, trying to compose himself. He’d asked in order to find a way to make Kalinag feel better, after all.

“But, Ajay, it was you who was-”

“Please,” Ajay cut in, “Please don’t say it. I’ll take a shower later and sort myself out, just...don’t talk about it.” Kalinag nodded.

“I’m sorry…”

“Don’t be. I...Look, I feel like there’s a bigger issue here. What is it?”

“I have failed you, Ajay, at every turn. I promised to comfort you when you were in need of it, and nothing I do can comfort you. I promised to protect your body while you were with Banashur, and I failed at that, as well. It is my duty to protect you from all threat, physical or emotional, and every time a threat presents itself I am useless. I...I am nothing to you, Ajay. I have no use. You might as well be fighting with any old blade.”

“Tha-that’s not true,” Ajay snapped, “You’re useful to me all the time.”

“When? Give one example.” Ajay sighed, closing his eyes. Kalinag felt pain beyond compare, unyielding grief, and he saw Bhadra’s lifeless corpse cradled in Ajay’s arms. Through the endless waves of suffering he heard his own voice, begging Ajay to come back to himself, to let him in, to give some sort of sign that he had heard. At the time, Ajay had ignored him, but now he saw that Ajay had heard his pleas, and the knowledge that he was there had been some small measure of comfort to Ajay. It had been a relief, no matter how insignificant, to know that he would be there when Ajay was ready to let go. 

“You...heard me…” Kalinag murmured, a smile forming on his face.

“I...Well, sorry for ignoring you, but…”

“You were grieving. It is natural to push everyone away.”

“Yeah. Didn’t really want to hear that it was okay when it clearly wasn't.”

“...That was so long ago, Ajay. Is that really the most recent example?” 

“No, that was just the most prominent. If you’re looking for the most recent…” Ajay searched through his memories, and the next image Kalinag saw was that of him gently coaxing Ajay to move his arms and legs, shortly after he had awoken. His encouragement had given Ajay the strength to keep trying when frustration threatened to make him give up early. Getting Ajay back to his original level of fitness would have taken a lot longer without him.

“We both have the same memories,” Ajay said, “But we’re just looking at them differently.” The next memory Ajay showed him was of nothing even remotely important; they were just sitting. Ajay was in the middle, with Sabal on his right and Kalinag on his left. He was leaning his head on Sabal’s shoulder, but having Kalinag beside him gave him a sense of calm and peace. With the constant fighting and dying and being revived and suffering through rigor mortis, having Kalinag beside him was a comfort enough to help him relax, and that meant a lot. Kalinag sighed.

“...I never knew you valued my presence so highly…”

“I value every second I get to spend with you. I give thanks for you every time I pray.”

“...I thought...that was just a formality…”

“Because you think you’re worthless. Stop it. That’s an order...or something. Can I order you to do things?” Kalinag smiled, leaning down to rest his head on Ajay's chest. Clearly he was the one that needed comfort, for once.

“Of course you can, you are the master of the blade, are you not? By being master of the blade, you are master of me.”

“Then I order you to love yourself and think you’re god’s gift to me, because that’s exactly what you are. You’re like meditation personified. You sit next to me, and...actually I think you put it really nicely once. Something about everything being okay when I sleep?” Kalinag smiled, remembering exactly what Ajay was talking about.

“Your peace is my peace. When you sleep, all is right in the world.”

“Exactly. You don't sleep, but when you sit next to me, anytime I feel your presence, which is all the time, I feel like everything’s gonna be okay. And I really need that. And it makes everything better. So don't go around saying you’re useless when just by existing you make my life better, okay?” Kalinag sighed.

“Okay.”

“...And...can you show me...maybe a nicer memory?” Kalinag closed his eyes, and they were gone again. He was sitting on a hill, watching the mountains. Motion to his left caught his eye, and he turned to see a small, brightly coloured butterfly flirting across the sky. He watched it, admiring the colour, and taking a rare moment of peace to appreciate the colour and beauty that Kyra had given the world. How could he possibly be sad when he had been blessed with so many colourful, beautiful things in the world?

“Kalinag, you’re crying.” He blinked, wiping his eyes and letting out a weak chuckle.

“Indeed I am,” he said, looking over at his friend, “What would the king say?”

“Not much, I imagine. You found Shangri-La and came back alive. The king wouldn’t dare speak an ill word against you.” His dear friend sighed, watching as the butterfly flitted lazily around.

“It amazes me that you can still weep at the beauty of something so simple as a butterfly when you have witnessed the wonder of Shangri-La.”

“I hear that many times now,” Kalinag said, “But that assumes that Shangri-La and the earth are two separate entities. They are not. This butterfly is a gift from Kyra herself, as are we all. Every living thing is a part of Shangri-La, has Shangri-La somewhere inside of it. When I weep at the beauty of a simple butterfly, I weep at the beauty of Shangri-La all over again.”

“...Each time you say that, but I’ll never understand. Shangri-La has made you a changed man,” his friend said, and Kalinag smiled.

“Perhaps. But this “changed man” could still strike you down many times over before you could raise your blade.” His friend laughed outright.

“Someday I will best you in battle, Kalinag. Have patience.”

The memory faded gently back into their cozy little room, and Ajay smiled.

“See, that was a nice first memory,” he said, and then slowly the smile fell off his face.

“I’m...gonna go take a shower. Please, just...let me have some privacy, for a bit?”

“Of course, Ajay. I will let Sabal know to give you space when he returns, as well.”

“Yeah. Thanks.”

***

Ajay had to find out about the new Tarun Matara. He promised Bhadra.

She was young, only five years old, but her education into being a Tarun Matara would start early, and so she would turn out just fine. Her name was Chandra, and the people believed she would bring good fortune. With a name that meant “moon” she was already close to the gods, after all.

She was cute...but she just wasn’t Bhadra. Still, Ajay promised to support Chandra in her journey to becoming Tarun Matara - A process that wouldn’t be completed until she was ten, Ajay had learned. Before that, children simply didn’t have the presence of mind to run a country. After that, though, they could learn. Ajay would be there, though, and he would make sure this new Tarun Matara knew plenty about Bhadra and the good she had done in her few short months as Tarun Matara. She was the best example there was, after all.

***

“I give thanks for Sabal, I give thanks for the warmth and support I have, I give thanks for the time I spend with Bhadra and Banashur, I give thanks for the peace of mind prayer has given me, I give thanks for Kalinag, I give thanks for Lakshmana and her peace, I give thanks for my mother’s peace, I give thanks for my health and well-being, I give thanks for the new Tarun Matara that will be selected, and I pray to Kyra...I pray to Kyra for the strength I need to survive this fight.”


	21. Confrontation

“Ajay, welcome back. I’m so sorry about last time, I lost control of myself and that was unacceptable. It won’t happen again, promise. Shall we begin now?”

“No,” Ajay snapped, making Rakshasa raise his eyebrows, “I want to know what the hell it is about a dead body that makes you think “I want to put my dick in that”. Well?” Rakshasa outright laughed.

“Oh my, Kalinag DID tell you about that. I wasn’t sure he would...Well, to answer your question, it has something to do with seeing that lovely blood splatter on your face, I can't say what. Besides, would you have let me fuck you while you were alive? Of course not. I’ll tell you what. This time I’ll make your death nice and slow, so I can fuck you while you’re dying. Isn’t that a nice compromise? A little gentle lovemaking before you go to sleep?”

“Remind me not to bring it up if there’s a next time,” Ajay thought with a shudder of horror.

“...Well, if that's everything, shall we begin?”

Ajay was ready this time. He started feinting and using cheap tricks like Rakshasa, and while he took it with good humour the first couple times, Ajay saw the anger starting to set in, and he definitely saw Rakshasa starting to go for the obvious kills. And he started avoiding them.

“Think you’re getting SO DAMN GOOD, HUH? I AM RAKSHASA REINCARNATED!! I will NOT be defeated!” It was a big statement, but even when blind with fury Rakshasa was still an incredibly tough opponent. Too tough. They were equally matched. No matter what Ajay did or tried, he always missed by a few hairs. No matter what Rakshasa did or tried, he too missed by a few hairs. This couldn’t go on any longer, Ajay was getting tired. In a moment of desperation, he decided to take a calculated risk and hope Banashur - but mostly Kalinag, and by extension Sabal, when he found out - wouldn’t be too upset with him.

He stopped moving.

“Ajay, NO!!” 

Rakshasa grabbed him and jammed the blade into his stomach, and he gasped with the pain. With the battle won, Rakshasa went straight back to his good humour.

“...I’m starting to think you enjoy dying, Ajay. Is it that blissful? We make the perfect pair, you and I. Me longing to kill, you longing to die...beautiful.” Feeling his strength fading fast, he decided to try one last feint.

Letting uncertainty and longing show in his eyes, he reached up his left hand to tangle in Rakshasa’s hair, watching as the man smiled sweetly.

“You do enjoy it,” he whispered, and it almost seemed like genuine sincerity in his eyes. “Oh, Ajay...such a shameful secret...to long for our deadly embrace…”

“Please…” He tilted his head up, lips trembling, and Rakshasa obliged almost immediately, leaning down and closing his eyes as he pressed their lips together in a tender kiss. Ajay deepened the kiss, but his strength was fading fast, too fast. Now or never.

He brought his right arm up, summoned his strength, and jammed his blade into Rakshasa's stomach. With his last iota of strength, he twisted, just to make absolutely sure. Without Rakshasa’s strength to hold him up he fell, landing on his stomach with the blade twisting painfully inside him from the impact. 

“It was the only way…” he breathed to Kalinag, then let his eyes close for what he was sure would be the last time.

***

“Sabal.” Sabal stood, sighing.

“Kalinag. I take it Ajay has failed again?”

“No, he succeeded. He...sacrificed himself to defeat Rakshasa. I...am...unsure...whether Banashur intends to bring Ajay back…” Sabal felt his heart stop, and he followed Kalinag out to where they both lay.

“This is him…” Sabal murmured, “The man who murdered Bhadra, who has killed Ajay and caused us all endless suffering…” He pulled out his radio.

“This is Sabal to the Golden Path. Bhadra’s murderer has been found and killed. Prepare a pyre, I want this bastard burned as soon as possible.”

***

It was the same as always. Misty. Bhadra was there, beaming at him, and he stood, turning to Banashur.

“Hey, uh-” Without so much as looking at him Banashur held up a hand, and Ajay fell silent. He looked to Bhadra, who shrugged. Ajay shrugged right back, then smiled and knelt down to hug Bhadra when she came to hug him.

“I missed you,” Ajay mouthed, and Bhadra nodded eagerly. Ajay blinked, looking down and drawing a picture of a moon, and writing the word “Chandra” in the ground. Bhadra’s eyes lit up like stars.

“I know her,” she wrote eagerly, “She’s five, right? She’s really nice, she’ll make a good Tarun Matara.” Ajay nodded his agreement, and then he heard a sigh.

“Congratulations, Ajay,” Banashur said, “Nadish is dead. You have succeeded in your quest.” Ajay nodded, sighing.

“Good.”

“I’ll admit, I wasn’t happy with the tactic you chose to get the job done, but...well, he’s dead. You won’t have to worry about that anymore.”

“Yeah. So...what happens next?” Banashur cocked his head.

“...Perhaps I wasn't clear when I explained the details of this deal. I said I would keep resurrecting you until you defeated Nadish, but in the event that you both were defeated I would bring you back, one last time.” Ajay sighed with relief.

“So...I’m going back? To Sabal?”

“Yes, back to Sabal,” Banashur said with a smile, “But Ajay...keep in mind that once I send you back, you won’t be able to see Bhadra again.” Ajay’s eyes widened. He hadn’t thought of that.

“Perhaps you should say your final goodbyes now. I’ll leave you for a few moments.” Banashur vanished, and Ajay all but ran to wrap his arms around Bhadra.

“...Take good care of Chandra for me, okay?”

“I promise, I promise, I promise,” Ajay said hastily, holding her tighter. He was crying already, and he held her tight enough that he was sure he would have bruised her had she still been alive.

“...I’m sorry, Ajay, this is all my fault.”

“Wh-what? Bhadra, no, none of what happened was your fault, it wasn’t your fault you were killed, it wasn’t your fault I was just as eager as Banashur to avenge your murder, none of this was your fault, don't ever blame yourself Bhadra, never!”

“I didn’t mean that,” she said mournfully, “I meant...this. If...If I had just stayed away the first time you died, if you hadn’t seen me again, then you wouldn’t have trouble letting me go now. I should have left you to mourn my death naturally, but I...I was selfish. I wanted to see you again, and all I’ve done is made my death harder on you. I’m so sorry, Ajay. I’m so sorry.”

“Bhadra, no. I’ve been so glad to have this time with you, to spend a few extra minutes watching you smile…”

“And now it’s harder on you because you can’t let me go.”

“I…” He had nothing to say to that except to break down in tears again.

“I don’t want to leave you…”

“You have to, Ajay.”

“I’ll miss you...I’ll miss you so much…”

“I know, Ajay. I’ll miss you too. I’ll keep an eye on you from here so I can be sure you're keeping your promise to take care of Chandra. If you’re not, I’ll have Banashur rain fire down on you.” She was joking, but the clouds over Ajay’s head refused to budge.

“Ajay...come on, you have to let me go. If you didn’t know that Banashur would bring you back, then neither to Kalinag and Sabal. You have to go back to them, Ajay.” Ajay was shaking, but that argument finally managed to convince him to let go. Banashur reappeared at the exact same time. 

“Ajay, are you ready?”

“...I guess…” Banashur smiled.

“Bhadra and I will both watch over you, and I’ll let you in on a little secret: this ‘praying’ thing is more than just a fraud. If you pray hard enough, you might be able to hear us...But that will take time. Long enough for you to grieve properly and be less attached to her. But the chance is there, alright? If you ever do want to talk to us.” Ajay nodded.

“Ajay...I’d like to send you back now. I have some business to attend to.”

“Business…?” Banashur was a god; it made sense he couldn’t devote all his time to Ajay.

“...Sure.” Banashur nodded.

“Alright, Ajay. It was a pleasure to meet you, and I wish you the best in your future.” Ajay nodded, Banashur touched his cheek, and he was gone.

***

“...Bhadra, my love.”

“Yes, Banashur?”

“Ajay isn’t here any longer. You don’t need to be strong anymore.”

“I...don’t know what you mean…” He smiled.

“You know exactly what I mean. You’re losing him just as much as he’s losing you. Let it out, Bhadra.” Her lip trembled and then she too started to cry.


	22. Epilogue, Part One

“...Praise Banashur,” Kalinag breathed, and then he was taking Ajay’s hand and soothing him, wiping away the tears that were trailing down his cheeks already.

“Ajay? Th-these are happy tears, aren’t they?”

“I am afraid not,” Kalinag murmured, “Now that Ajay will no longer be returning to Banashur, he must face the grief of Bhadra’s death.”

“He-” Hasn’t done that yet? Sabal almost asked, but snapped his mouth shut at the last second. Clearly he hadn’t, or he wouldn’t be crying like this. Sabal took his other hand and shushed him quietly. It was clear that Ajay and Kalinag were having a private conversation.

“No…” Ajay whimpered aloud.

“Yes.” Kalinag said firmly, standing his ground for the first time that Sabal knew of, “You must. You must visit her grave if you are to grieve properly.”

“T-tomorrow?” Ajay begged, clearly not ready to let her go.

“When you have recovered. That will likely be tomorrow, but Ajay, we are going.” Ajay closed his eyes and more tears leaked out.

“Promise you'll stay with me?”

“I won’t let you grieve alone, Ajay.” 

“Ajay,” Kalinag asked mentally, so Sabal wouldn’t be privy to this conversation.

“Yes?”

“...May I...say something?”

“Something you don’t want Sabal to hear?”

“...You were starting to enjoy it, weren’t you? ...Dying…” Ajay sighed mentally.

“There’s...a moment...right before you die…” He trailed off, but Kalinag understood. The pain faded, and compared to the agony of being stabbed it felt like bliss.

“You’re unusually affectionate today, Ajay.”

“I just...can’t help but feel I neglected you, while I was dealing with Rakshasa. And then even after…”

“I understand, Ajay, completely.”

“I’m still sorry. And “I understand” means you felt neglected. I want to make it up to you...However you want. Tell me what I can do to make you feel loved, and I'll do it.”

“I...just...just hold me. Hold me in your arms, speak only to me.” Ajay smiled. 

“I already told Kalinag to leave us for the rest of the day,” he said, “And as for the rest of your request...I think I can do that.” He pulled Sabal so they were laying face to face, looking deep into Sabal’s eyes and tracing the dark bruises under them with a finger.

“This has been hard on you, too…” Sabal sighed, closing his eyes.

“With the life I’ve lived...People die, and they don't come back. What Banashur did for you was beyond a miracle, but...when people die, they don’t come back. I always had this nagging fear that...that this time was the last time, that you had failed one too many times for Banashur’s liking…” Ajay kissed his forehead, sighing.

“Some days, I wish I could share my thoughts with you like I do Kalinag. If you had seen the...the look on Banashur’s face...He was furious, Sabal. I can’t think of another word for it, but...it was frightening to be in his presence, at that moment. When he said that he would bring me back however many times it took...He wasn’t talking one or two, he was talking hundreds. He knew exactly what kind of torture that would be for me, and in that moment, he didn’t care. If he had to bring me back a thousand times, then that was what he did. Nothing else mattered but the death of the man that had murdered his wife. If you’d seen him then...If I had some way of showing you...You wouldn’t have been the slightest bit worried. He was willing to bring me back however many times it took.” Ajay kissed Sabal again, sighing.

“You need to get some sleep...What can I say that will help?”

“I’m...not sure there’s anything you need to say, not yet. Just let me fall asleep in your arms, and we’ll see if it fixes the problem. If it doesn’t, then we’ll see about tackling the content of my nightmares.”

“Which is?”

“I’d...rather not talk about it, if I don’t have to.”

“Okay.” Ajay sighed, kissing Sabal again. “Then as promised, tonight is all for you. And you’re going to spend it falling asleep in my arms, and you’re going to wake up in my arms, as well. I won’t let you go, for the whole night.” Sabal sighed, seeming comforted by those words. He snuggled into Ajay’s chest, and Ajay wrapped his arms fully around him.

“...I love you, Ajay.”

“I love you more.” Sabal shook his head wearily.

“Impossible. I love you too much.” Ajay huffed out a laugh.

“We’ll see.” Sabal smiled, closing his eyes, and he slept peacefully for the first time in a long time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We've come to the end! I'm keeping this short because the next part of the epilogue deserves to be a chapter all on its own!
> 
> Update: Added a short section because I completely neglected my Sabal and I feel bad.


	23. Epilogue, Part Two

“What the fuck IS this place?”

“It would make sense you don’t recognize it,” a voice said from behind, and Nadish turned. It was a fucking KID. Some fucking ten year old? What the fuck was going on?

“Your stories make this place out to be very different than it actually is.”

“Who the fuck are you?”

“That’s not particularly important. Walk with me.”

“And why the fuck would I do that?” 

“Oh, my apologies,” the boy said, as Nadish was lifted off his feet and dragged along by an unseen force, kicking and cursing, “I must not have made myself clear. That was not a request, it was a command.” The boy walked, with Nadish trailing along beside him.

“It’s pretty here, isn’t it?” he asked. The sky was purple, the grass was a light blue, and pink stars twinkled in the sky. 

“It’s fucking weird, let me go!!” The boy continued as though Nadish hadn’t spoken.

“Sometimes I think it’s even prettier than Earth. Why didn’t I think to make blue grass? Or pink stars? ...I’m so sorry, I haven’t explained anything, have I? The legends are correct in saying that Yalung was jealous of the world I created, but that’s where the similarity ends. Yalung and I resolved our differences eons ago. I allowed him this space to create a world to his liking, and you see he has done so well with it. In addition, I give him citizens.”

“The place is empty, dipshit! Where are all these fucking citizens then, huh?”

“Oh, not here. Further out, in a place you haven’t seen yet. Yalung makes the decisions here, so I didn’t want to give you any hope that you would be living there one day. We’re here.” Nadish looked up. “Here” was a modest-looking house. 

“This is where Yalung lives. Sometimes it’s bigger on the inside, but sometimes not. Let us go inside and find out.” The boy stepped inside, and Nadish had no choice but to follow him. 

Inside, the house was a literal mansion, complete with a foyer, two sets of double stairs, and a main door in the centre. The boy walked up a set of stairs, entering one of the side hallways and slipping into one of the rooms. Inside was an elegant bedroom with two occupants. One was a man, in his thirties or so, with braided waist-long black hair, thick bangs, a skin-tight-but-currently-unbuttoned white sleeveless blouse and a comfortable-looking pair of navy blue shorts. The other man was hard to see underneath the dark-haired man, but he looked to be about the same age. He had shoulder-length blonde hair and was currently shirtless, wearing only a pair of black dress pants. The dark-haired man was currently lavishing the blonde man with teasing kisses, and he moaned from the attention, squirming under the praise. Banashur smiled.

“I’m sorry to interrupt,” he said with a sly grin, “But I would like for you to give this one your personal attention.” The man underneath sighed then gave his partner a deep kiss, pushing him away and kissing his forehead to clear the pout lines there.

“Later, my love, later.” They both moved to sit at the edge of the bed, and the dark-haired man moved to lay his head in the other man's lap, looking very much like a cat.

“Banashur, it has been too long,” the blonde man said, and Nadish became aware of a relaxed authority, both in his posture and tone. Clearly this man was the master of the house, and he knew it. Even this child - Banashur, apparently - respected his authority. Nadish could only squirm uncomfortably. Meanwhile Banashur smiled.

“Indeed. I always love my trips down here, but sometimes you seem so happy with your lover that I feel I should let you be. Ah, our friend here is quite confused, so I believe formal introductions may be a good place to start.”

“Oh, yes, yes. Well then, your friend is Banashur, god of gods. I am Yalung, and this lovely young man is Mikesh, so named because I created him to be my mate. What other name should I give him, than to call him what he was created to be?” He stroked Mikesh’s hair as he spoke, and Mikesh hummed at the attention. “Now, that’s us out of the way, who are you? And what did you do to warrant Banashur bringing you to me personally, hm? You must have been a very naughty boy.”

“This is...hell...” Yalung sighed.

“Slow, aren't you? Yes, if you'd like to call it that, this is hell. To be specific, however, this is my home. “Hell,” as you call it, is where you’ll be going when we’re done. Banashur, who is this man?”

“You remember my wife, Bhadra?”

“Yes, sweet young thing, and she liked sweets so much I’m sure it made her the sweet little girl she was. What about her?”

“This man murdered her.” Yalung’s eyes widened, and he sat straight up, now paying rapt attention to Banashur. His eyes flickered briefly to Nadish, who seemed to shrink in on himself. He was slowly getting the distinct impression that he was in trouble.

“Murdered her? Oh dear, you HAVE been a naughty boy...Well, this all makes perfect sense. What would you like done with him?”

“The final decision, as always, rests with you,” Banashur said, bowing slightly, “But I want him to suffer. I want him to suffer for every tear Bhadra shed, and I want him to pay for the many times he murdered Ajay.”

“Many times? Is this Ajay a human?” 

“...It is a long story. Perhaps it would be better if I simply showed you,” Banashur said as he reached out his hand. Yalung took it immediately, closing his eyes, and a few seconds later he burst into laughter.

“Ohh, naughty, NAUGHTY boy! You put my sweet Mikesh to shame, and that is saying something! I’ll put him somewhere while I come up with plans for him, but rest assured he will suffer for his many, many crimes. He’ll see my world when you have decided he has suffered enough.”

“Hmm...We’ll see. I plan to hold a grudge.”

“I expect nothing less,” Yalung said with a smile. “Well, I’ll send him along.” With a lazy wave of his hand, the wall dissolved to reveal burning flames, and agonized screaming filled the room. Nadish flinched, struggling against the invisible bond that held him for the first time. When Nadish started to move towards the flames he panicked.

“Hey, hey! Th-this isn’t fair! I...what about Rakshasa? He-he…”

“Rakshasa’s power ends in Shangri-La. He has no power here. Nobody will save you. Surely you did not expect to murder Banashur’s wife and walk away unpunished?” Nadish fell silent. That was exactly what he expected. 

“Silly boy. You felt invisible with that blade of yours, didn’t you? Not to worry, we’ll grind some humility into you. Off you go~” The invisible force continued moving Nadish towards the burning flame, and he struggled as he felt the heat on his skin.

“S-stop, stop! Please, I’m sorry! I’m sorry I killed her, I was only doing what I was told! Rakshasa made me, I wasn’t strong enough to withstand the pull of the blade!!”

“And yet you were strong enough to keep from killing yourself when you took Ajay’s corpse without mercy. You had no trouble withstanding the blade’s pull. You wanted this. And now you face punishment.” 

“No, no! Please! PLEASE! PLEASE, I BEG YOU! MERCY! MERCY, PLEASE!” The flames swallowed him, and his words dissolved into screams of agony that were soon indistinguishable from the rest. 

“He’ll stay there until I decide a suitable punishment for him. Is that acceptable?”

“Yes, perfectly. You have all of eternity to punish him, and I do not mind in the slightest if you take that long to do so.”

“Poor thing, my earth really is a beautiful place.”

“Perhaps you ought to let him see it, to let him know what he’s missing.”

“Perhaps. We shall see. Drop by anytime if you’d like to watch him suffer.”

“I believe I will. It was lovely to see you, Yalung, and I promise Bhadra and I will be down soon.”

“Yes, I'd love to meet her in person.”

“You’ll remember she is quite young, so…”

“Mikesh and I will be perfectly cordial, I give you my word. I am cruel, not sick, I would never show such things to a child.”

“Thank you.”

“You’re very welcome. Goodbye, Banashur.”

“Goodbye, Yalung. Goodbye, Mikesh.” Mikesh smiled and nodded in response, and Banashur disappeared. Yalung hummed.

“And now, my love,” he said, kissing Mikesh and pulling him back down on top of him, “I do believe you were in the middle of… “bringing me to the heights of ecstasy”, wasn’t it?” Mikesh smiled, only too happy to pick up where he had left off, and soon Yalung was moaning his pleasure to the empty house and squirming from the attention that riled him up but was never enough to satisfy. 

“Your attentions truly are the sweetest of all agonies…” he breathed.

 

It was five hundred years before he remembered that he had promised Banashur to come up with a more creative way of torturing Nadish than the flames that burned him endlessly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And we're done! A fitting end for Nadish, I believe.


End file.
